No Expectations, No Disappointments...

The purpose of this blog was to document life as we live it - so here you go.  Some days it ain't all that fun...

So I got some great news today.  And really, I should be thrilled right now, but instead, I'm nervous.  I'm afraid to be happy because my luck isn't all that.  Isn't that silly?   And no, I'm not pregnant.   I just got some great test results that I've been praying on for over six months now.   I've been waiting for this time to be past and put it behind me.  But for some reason now instead of feeling relieved, I'm just afraid.

Ever want something so badly that you just try to put it out of your head and forget about it?  I was never very good at that when I was younger.  If there was a competition at putting things out of your mind, I'd win it now.  I'm really good at focusing on the things I can control and leaving the rest up to God.  It's not a natural skill for me, but something I've learned over the last 10 years.  I've really got it down to a science now - except for today.

Over the years and after many moves around the country, my friends have spread out around the US and 'hanging out' has gotten harder to do.  Our lives have changed, they've had kids and our paths have gone in different directions.  I'm not boo-hooing here - it's just part of life.  Growing up and living our lives differently is part of the deal.

But, when you talk on the phone, you don't want to be "Nellie Negative" so you just don't talk about things that are chewing on you.  You learn to just 'deal' and put on your big girl panties.  Most of the time I'm ok with that and just handle things.  There are times though, that I want to scream, yell and just be pissed.  For some reason, most women just don't talk about fertility issues until they have a baby.  Then they might share a bit, but while you're in the middle of it, it can be pretty lonely.

I've taken a path that I didn't choose.  I think overall I've found my way and I'm now at my next crossroads.  For so long, I've fought for one thing and that was to be healthy.  When I won that battle (yay!), another immediately blew-up right in front of me - the big infertility battle (BIB!) of 2010.  Ha!  Pun intended!

I usually take life on the chin and handle everything that comes my way.  This is different.   Oh I can be tough, but this is scary stuff folks.  No matter how hard you work or how many rules you follow - it doesn't mean it's going to work.  I think that's the hard part. 

So for now I'll live with it and suck it up.  But don't kid yourselves, I'm praying like a mad woman and hoping for the best.  We had a saying in college, ' No expectations, no disappointments."  At the time we were probably worried about someone calling us - I never thought that expression would fit my life so well at 45.  Who knew?