Hey, I Look Good in Green

I’m alive.  Barely, but I’m here.  Sorry I’ve been offline for a while.  I tried the Zofran, it worked really well to curb the nausea and I felt like new!  Woohoo!  Unfortunately, I ended up with some bad side effects while taking it and can no longer enjoy nausea-free days.  Boo….

For the past three days, I’ve been a useless vegetable.  Seriously, I didn’t do a darn thing from Friday through Sunday.  I felt so sick I couldn’t move without spinning.

Cue Dr. Matt...

I got up this morning determined to make the best of today – mind over matter – you know how that works right?  I can do this!  Luckily I had an appointment with Dr. Matt this morning – purely coincidence.  He took one look at me and said, ”What’s bothering you the most.”  I told him to take a pick – I was in agony from the shoulders up to my neck.

He started low and worked his way up – it was at about 10 ‘cracks’ that he reached my neck.  Under my ears is a truly sensitive spot for me.    It has been for about 15 years now – I haven’t even been able to touch those spots…well, he felt up and down my neck and said, “Well, I would bet that you don’t feel well at all today.” 

Hmmm…was it the pale, greenish tonal quality to my skin?  Perhaps it was the sweat I broke into when I had to walk from my car into the building?    Maybe it was the way I was sucking down my Body by Vi shake this morning – like a lifeline….maybe he heard the prayers I was muttering under my breath.

Turns out, it had nothing to do with my gorgeous façade (read sarcasm) – it was the fact that the axis bone at the top of my neck was completely sideways and out of joint.  (Note, the axis bone is the second cervical vertebra in the spinal column. It allows the head and neck to rotate or turn and shake.)   THAT’s why my neck hurt when I turned it. Well Duh.  Apparently it was also making me extremely dizzy and nauseous. 

So, I’m still dealing with the nausea, but at a much lower level and all of the evil side effects of the Zofran have hopefully gone away.  And hey, I can touch under my ears like a normal person again - not that normal people do that often.  It's the principle of the thing my people! 

I’m here….I’m walking more evenly and able to hold my head up – so that’s half the game! I'm no longer green, but since that's a great color for me, I was ok with it for a while.   I’m learning more and more about my new job and I’m actually looking forward to it!  Still don’t know what my title is and what my exact responsibilities are, but we’ll get there in time I guess.

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend and that you are having a great Monday too!

Happy Monday Ya’ll!

I'm On a Google Moratorium

Access to Google should be outlawed.  When you are stressed, sick, worried or in general just need information, going to Google is the first thing you do (at least I do).  You “Google it” to figure out what’s wrong or to get the answer you’re looking  for.  We equip ourselves with way too much information and subsequently, have to live with the consequences. 

So, here I am scared out of my wits.  I found out the reaction I had to dinner at The Melting Pot Sunday night, was shared by my Gluten Free buddy that we had dinner with.  It was such a severe reaction that I’m scared that it wasn’t just a GF reaction but that it was food poisoning. I feel horrible today and have a pretty bad head ache – all in all I feel like crap.

Of course I’m worrying about the baby now.  We have our ultrasound on Tuesday – so I only have 24 hours left to wait – but boy oh boy did my trip to Google-land screw with my head.  I’m so frustrated that I got so sick and that it might have harmed Pedro – add to that my feelings of inadequacy because there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.

Here I was all pumped that I ate a normal meal and got nutrients like most people do – and then bam.  No more meal.  Now I don’t want food AT ALL!    So much for ‘getting on top’ of the nausea.

So once again, I have to turn off my head and pray.  This has been one heck of a roller coaster ride and I’m so tired and sick, I don’t know if I’m up for another lap around the block.   Going to work is enough stress in itself these days – even under normal circumstances.  Add that to the fun with my stomach etc…and I’m having issues pulling it together and keeping it there.

I’m so much fun to be around right now, I’m sure you all wish you could be here with me!  Just think, you too could be sitting next to me and watch me sip out of a water bottle 100 times just to drink 8oz and then eat Corn Chex a ½ at a time – it’s a happening time.  Maybe I’ll video tape it – it would be scintillating film for sure.

So, keep praying for us all day today – it’s a big one for the McGs – ultrasound and potential job offer – Oy.  You can never say my life is simple can you!?!

Sorry about today’s bitch-fest – I promise I will be Google-free for a while and will instead work on a list of questions for my doctor tomorrow.  That would be a much smarter use of my time – it just requires waiting which just is no fun – but then again – who said life would be fun right? J

Happy Tuesday Ya’ll! 

Perhaps a Kick in the Butt?

So ok, if you've been following my blog, you know I'm pregnant.  Yay!  I was just wondering if you Moms out there could tell me when it's supposed to sink in that I actually AM having a baby.  I feel like crap, then I feel ok, then I feel tired, then I feel wired.  It feels like my body is on a roller coaster and my brain just hasn't caught up.

I haven't read a book about it, I haven't purchased anything (except for anti-nausea meds) and I really haven't talked about it since the first few days after we found out.  I feel like it was an event that happened and now it's over.

I'm ready to do this, don't get me wrong.  The idea is so thrilling; it's the reality that is so confounding. 

What am I supposed to do next?  I really want to enjoy this - after all I've been waiting for this for more years than I can count.  It's like getting the best Christmas present you can imagine, only to put it on the shelf and not play with it because you don't want to break it.

So I got this amazing gift, but I don't want to break it.  That's where I am right now.  I'm racking my brain trying to get out of this 'be careful' mode, but I'm not really sure how to do that.  I was never that kid who didn't play with a toy to take care of it.  I was the one ripping the box open and playing with my toys to my hearts content. 

I've never been this cautious in my life.  Tell me, when does this feeling go away?    When can I start enjoying these moments and planning for good things and not worrying about each twinge? 

I'm full of questions aren't I?  I'm afraid this is because all of this is so new to me.  I've never been nervous about something I knew I wanted. Never.  When B proposed, I said yes!  No doubt in my mind.  When we moved to Charlotte, no doubts, no nerves.  I interviewed for a transfer, took the job and started to pack.

So here we are, having a baby (maybe two) and I'm sitting here whining like a loser.  I can't really blame it on my hormones...this is me people.  I'm totally unsure and I DO NOT like this feeling at all.   If I were me, I would tell myself to smile and be happy and just throw caution to the wind and go shopping!  But the usual J just isn't there right now.  I think she's in shock. 

So, I sit here watching The Music Man, (yes, I'm trying to de-stress) and I'm looking at my swollen little foot, thinking I should go to bed...and I still have no resolution to this issue.  I guess I need to sleep on it...

Any advice you have would be appreciated....maybe a gentle kick in the butt would help....I guess if I knew the solution I wouldn't be in this situation. 

For now, I'll post this, get my clothes ready for another fun day at work (that's a whole other story) and try to get a good night's sleep.   Maybe I'll feel better in the morning....

Happy Wednesday Ya'll!

Susie Cheerful Here

Well, today I have no pie.  I can't even find a pie plate.  It's a day when I just need to shut down and be.  So I am.  I actually spent most of today in the kitchen.  It was rewarding in a few ways - the fridge is nice and full.  It was also a mental health recharging opportunity.

There comes a time in your life when you just have to be and stop thinking about what's ahead or what's behind you.  I'm there.  Today is just a day to be for me.  I've prayed until I think God is tired of the same old thing.  So now, I've moved on to the saints.  If you're Catholic you know there are hundreds to choose from. I have my favorites, but I guess it depends on the situation.  Right now, I'm talking with all of them.  So far, no movement on their end.  We'll see what tomorrow brings...

Right now, I've done everything I can think of to get out of my funk.  None of it is working.  I'm open to suggestions ya'll.  I've watched three straight Hallmark movies, cooked, cleaned, played with the Bubbies, read a book and still nothing.   I even ate a rice krispie treat with butter cream icing on it.  It's a combo the neighbors love and my first actually and it was OK, but didn't make me smile.   I really wasn't kidding when I said I was out of pie was I?  I don't even feel like baking one right now.  Or eating one.  Or even talking about pie.

Everyone in the house is on edge too - Seamus is barking at everything, even when B stands up from his chair.   Paxton has pretty much set up house under the coffee table and B is snapping at everything that moves.  I guess my mood has spread through the house.   Oh joy; I owe everyone a happy day and soon. 

SO, now I'm open to any and all ideas for happy day thoughts and incentives.  I need things to look forward to and smile about.  As Scarlet O'Hara said...Tomorrow is another Day....  I'm really looking forward to going to bed tonight - maybe I'll sleep through the night and this will be nothing but a bad day to write off....

A girl can hope.  So, signing off for now - Happy Monday Ya'll.  Really.

- Susie Cheerful

Monday or Bust!

Sunday nights.  I love them and hate them at the same time.  Tonight's was great though; we spent a few hours over at my parent's house for a Father's Day dinner and just chilled.  It was a nice culmination to a pretty great weekend!  I almost want an extra day though because mentally, I'm just not ready for tomorrow.

The further down the acquisition road we head, the harder it becomes to psych myself up to go to work after the weekend.  I'm ready for bed, my lunch is made, coffee is ready to be brewed, clothes are laid out and the bed is pulled down.  I've basically prepared myself to crash early tonight in the hopes of putting off tomorrow as much as possible.

The definition of work needs to be updated I think.  It's no longer 'work,' it's more like drudgery now.  I think saying I'm going to drudge in the morning would be pretty much a mental nightmare though.  One of my favorite quotes is, "Work is either fun or drudgery.  It depends on your attitude.  I like fun" - Colleen C. Barrett.  This is something I aspire to - focusing on fun.

I think if we knew something, anything specific, it would make things easier to handle.  We don't even know the specific date of the sale yet.  We don't know if ANYONE in IT actually has a job!  We do know that the office where we are right now is where things will  be headquartered, but I'm not sure if I will still have a seat there.

So, add that stressful fun to a normal Sunday night feel and I really, truly do not want Monday morning to get here!  I have a few other stressful things going on in my life, so I guess the work thing is a good distractor, but if it's all the same to you guys, I'd prefer to just skip Sunday nights going forward and just fast forward to Monday night.

Who do we have to call to skip Mondays in general?  I'd lead the charge if someone could tell me who to get in touch with.  Hey, maybe I'll just schedule my vacation for every Monday I have left!  Maybe if we had 'bring your dog to work day' on Mondays it'd be more fun to go in and more relaxing to work.  I'm sure Seamus and Paxton would be up for that...I'm grasping at straws here I know.

I guess I'll have to be a grown-up, remember my Ghandi quote of guarding my thoughts, paste a smile on to my face and hope tomorrow will be a great day!  Hmm...maybe I'll  go see if I can get a Slurpee...

Happy Monday Ya'll!

Passionless in Charlotte

Hmm...It's time for Monday again.  It was a really crazy 'up and down' weekend; so mentally, I'm not sure I'm ready for Monday.  Not that I have a choice, so I'll suck it up and face it head on.  Right now, I have baked oatmeal cooling in the kitchen for breakfast  - most important meal of the day right?  My lunch is made, my coffee is ready to be made in the morning and I think all of the dangling participles of the weekend have been tied down.

So all that's left is to get my brain back in the game.  I think I told you my brain had off on Saturday - well today it was in and out.  Honestly I'm hoping that it shows up full time for Monday.  Could be ugly without it.  I just need to get my heart involved.  Isn't it the usually case that when you're heart is in the game, the head follows?

I think that's what has been troubling me lately.  My heart isn't in the game because of the buy-out.  I hate that.  At one time, I loved everything about my job - the craziness, the stress and the deadlines.  Now, they just annoy the crap out of me.  They are someone else's deadlines now - I think that's the real issue.

How do I make them mine again?  I feel like I need to have an intervention with my counterparts at the other company and get them into the game.  I need to get the passion back and get my heart into things.  I need to ignore the stress around me, no matter how palpable and just get it done.

I've been through many downsizings in my time.  I've done the layoff thing, job changes and wishful career dreaming - but selling my passion to another company that was taking over my job and getting rid of all of my hard work, is new to me.  

SO that my friends is the goal for Monday.  Bring back the passion and get my heart back into the game.  What a simple sentence - yet so important.  I'm open to any and all ideas of how to do this.  Seriously.    I'm in deep water on this - so if anyone has a pair of swimmies I can borrow let me know!  Happy Monday Ya'll!

My Brain Has Left the Building

I think my brain took today off - no warning, no planned vacation, just vacated the premises and left me hanging.  It also left me with a big, fat headache and little to do except watch a bunch of movies - cue Ferris Bueller and Larry Crowne (a brief shout out to Direct TV for that free HBO thing going on.)

So now, it's 10:30PM on Saturday and I still have a nagging headache and my brain has finally decided to do the walk of shame back home.  What an incredible waste of a day.  Don't get me wrong, I totally stressed out my brain last night editing the term paper (duh duh duh) - so I do understand a little of why my brain was mad with me today.  After all, last night I was supposed to bake something - I even had butter out on the counter getting to room temperature - so my mind was totally set on doing something that relaxed and smelled good. 

Instead, it got a red pen (although a really great red pen) and a really dry, 'shoot me in the foot' kind of paper to read.  Add to that it was awake much later than it has been in probably years; thus this morning was a write-off.  Hey, I did have a great bath - but since I couldn't even focus on a paperback, it was a short one.

I sadly skipped my workout as that might have incentivized my brain to stick around - but after "Decadent Digits" kicked my ass yesterday during a beat down masquerading as a massage. I wasn't really in the workout mood!   Thanks DD - my back feels great!  My head is beginning to forgive you! :o)

I'm hoping tomorrow will be better - I think my brain owes me a great Sunday after blowing me off all day don't you?  Unfortunately, and don't tell my brain this, I have to be at the doctor at 7AM for blood work and then we're off to race to church in time for 8:30AM mass - so it won't be a normal Sunday morning at all. 

So I'll keep my fingers crossed that my brain isn't hung over in the morning and pray that the early morning call is enough to kick my brain into motion.  I'm all for lazy days, but only when I enjoy them. The kind I had today did not qualify as an enjoyable day.  The Bubbies really appreciated the downtime though....so there's that....

Tomorrow I promise I will do something to feel productive and check something off of my proverbial list - but for the rest of tonight, I think I'll watch hockey with my eye lids shut.

Happy Sunday Ya'll!  Here's to making it a great and fully engaged day!

No Expectations, No Disappointments...

The purpose of this blog was to document life as we live it - so here you go.  Some days it ain't all that fun...

So I got some great news today.  And really, I should be thrilled right now, but instead, I'm nervous.  I'm afraid to be happy because my luck isn't all that.  Isn't that silly?   And no, I'm not pregnant.   I just got some great test results that I've been praying on for over six months now.   I've been waiting for this time to be past and put it behind me.  But for some reason now instead of feeling relieved, I'm just afraid.

Ever want something so badly that you just try to put it out of your head and forget about it?  I was never very good at that when I was younger.  If there was a competition at putting things out of your mind, I'd win it now.  I'm really good at focusing on the things I can control and leaving the rest up to God.  It's not a natural skill for me, but something I've learned over the last 10 years.  I've really got it down to a science now - except for today.

Over the years and after many moves around the country, my friends have spread out around the US and 'hanging out' has gotten harder to do.  Our lives have changed, they've had kids and our paths have gone in different directions.  I'm not boo-hooing here - it's just part of life.  Growing up and living our lives differently is part of the deal.

But, when you talk on the phone, you don't want to be "Nellie Negative" so you just don't talk about things that are chewing on you.  You learn to just 'deal' and put on your big girl panties.  Most of the time I'm ok with that and just handle things.  There are times though, that I want to scream, yell and just be pissed.  For some reason, most women just don't talk about fertility issues until they have a baby.  Then they might share a bit, but while you're in the middle of it, it can be pretty lonely.

I've taken a path that I didn't choose.  I think overall I've found my way and I'm now at my next crossroads.  For so long, I've fought for one thing and that was to be healthy.  When I won that battle (yay!), another immediately blew-up right in front of me - the big infertility battle (BIB!) of 2010.  Ha!  Pun intended!

I usually take life on the chin and handle everything that comes my way.  This is different.   Oh I can be tough, but this is scary stuff folks.  No matter how hard you work or how many rules you follow - it doesn't mean it's going to work.  I think that's the hard part. 

So for now I'll live with it and suck it up.  But don't kid yourselves, I'm praying like a mad woman and hoping for the best.  We had a saying in college, ' No expectations, no disappointments."  At the time we were probably worried about someone calling us - I never thought that expression would fit my life so well at 45.  Who knew?