Winkin, Blinkin & Nod

I want to introduce to 3 key players in our lives, Winkin, Blinkin and Nod.  I'm not sure if all of you know the poem – but I loved it as a kid - so here it is:

Winkin', Blinkin', and Nod, one night sailed off in a wooden shoe;
Sailed off on a river of crystal light into a sea of dew.
"Where are you going and what do you wish?" the old moon asked the three.
"We've come to fish for the herring fish that live in this beautiful sea.
Nets of silver and gold have we," said Winkin', Blinkin', and Nod.

The old moon laughed and sang a song as they rocked in the wooden shoe.
And the wind that sped them all night long ruffled the waves of dew.
Now the little stars are the herring fish that live in that beautiful sea;
"Cast your nets wherever you wish never afraid are we!"
So cried the stars to the fishermen three - Winkin', and Blinkin', and Nod.

So all night long their nets they threw to the stars in the twinkling foam.
'Til down from the skies came the wooden shoe bringing the fisherman home.
'Twas all so pretty a sail it seemed as if it could not be.
Some folks say 'twas a dream they dreamed of sailing that misty sea.
But I shall name you the fisherman three - Winkin', Blinkin', and Nod.

Now Winkin' and Blinkin' are two little eyes and Nod is a little head.
And the wooden shoe that sailed the skies is a wee one's trundle bed.
So close your eyes while mother sings of the wonderful sights that be.
And you shall see those beautiful things as you sail on the misty sea,
Where the old shoe rocked the fishermen three - Winkin', Blinkin', and Nod.

Now the reason I shared this poem with you is because this is what B dubbed the 3 embryos that we transferred on 6/27/12, Winkin', Blinkin' and Nod.  It meant a lot to me and I think surprised him because he didn’t even know the story.  It just came out of his mouth!   J  Our doctor and nurses call them that as well – it made if feel so real and kept me going.

So maybe it’s time for a bit of background on W,B & N…  so, here goes....after all of our trials and tribulations with infertility, we were given an amazing gift.  We adopted embryos.  Yes, we adopted embryos.  Really.  We opted to ‘rescue’ embryos that were already waiting for a family rather than continuously pulling a ‘Celine Dion’ and going through IVF over and over and over again with my eggs as they are just old…sad, but true.  It just felt selfish and hopeless after a while.  The clock kept ticking.

We had a path to take, so we did.  I had to feel closure and know that we had done everything we could do to try to have our own children.  So when we were having what I thought might be our last visit with our fertility doctor, she gave us some pamphlets to read about embryo adoption.  It sounded interesting – especially to me, the Queen of all Medical procedures. 

We thanked her and left.  Fast forward about a year and I started thinking more and more about embryo adoption and that it might be an amazing option for us.  As a Catholic, I believe that life begins with conception, so it was just breaking my heart to know there were hundreds of thousands of babies out there just waiting for homes! 

The bonus was I got to carry the baby myself!  What an amazing gift!  I found our adoption agency and to clinch the deal, it is a Christian agency.  I called them and the woman on the other end of the phone told me she would pray for me at the end of a great conversation.  How amazing!  MORE icing on the cake!

It was meant to be.  It just felt right.  We were in! Next came the home study (which was horrifying but another story) and then the waiting.  We had to write a bio about ourselves and include pictures – scary in its own right – once that was done, the agency, after a few months, matched us with a fantastic family.  They picked us!

And oh, what a match it was!  The note from the genetic family couldn’t have been more ‘right’ if I had told them what to say. In fact, they said things I didn’t even know I needed to hear!  It was a huge relief and blessing to know we’d been matched with such an amazing family.

So we all of the sudden were ‘parents’ and were ready to get going with a transfer – that process took a while and the rest as you know it is history!

We have one blessing and the other two will meet up with us someday – without all of them, we wouldn’t have been able to go down the path to parenthood!

Winkin' Blinkin' and Nod

 

We are blessed!

Happy Wednesday Ya’ll!

Today's the Day!

Well, I've been hinting at it for a while now, but today's the day.  Today I find out if our last shot at IVF is a positive or negative result.  I could either be pregnant, potentially with twins, or I could be hormonally charged and left with nothing.

Needless to say, it will be a really hard day.  I won't get instant results after the blood test.  And, no.   I haven't peed on a stick and won't.  I'll have to suck it up and wait for the phone call that will change my life - either for the 'good or the bad.'  (Insert Scottish accent there). 

I've so appreciated the amazing support I've received from all of the wonderful people in my life.  It's been a gift.  Truly.  I started this blog to help 'get out' some of the stuff going on in my head and it's helped a great deal...but you never know how you'll react until that moment happens.

Don't get me wrong, I've been through this day seven other times.  Yes, I said seven.  Not all were IVFs, but all were prayed on and hoped for and all didn't work.  This is the last time I think I'll put my body and heart through this ordeal, so obviously it will be the most traumatic.

I'm prepared to put on my big girl panties this morning, take my coffee to the clinic and have my blood drawn.  Then I'll head to work for my 5 meetings that stretch out throughout the day.  I'd love to know early in the day because sometimes the suspense is more horrible than the call....but honestly, if it's a negative and the rabbit doesn't die (not literally of course) then I'd almost rather not know until late in the day. 

You can tell I've over thought this can't you?  I'm actually in a really good place mentally and spiritually for this.  I'm ready to accept whatever decision God has made and am at peace with what happens.  I know that I've done everything I could have done with an amazing husband at my side, supporting me every step of the way.

SO, I'll let you all know...thank you for your prayers and your support - I couldn't have gotten through the last few weeks without it.  And no matter what happens, I'll have a smile on my face because I know God has a great plan for us....we'll just have to figure out what it is....

I ready for this next phase in our lives....bring it on!!

Happy Monday Ya'll!

I Have Hope in My Heart

Have you ever been to a fertility clinic?  I hope not.  I have and they aren't fun.  Fertility clinics are places where women of all ages, race, size and religion flock to in order to conceive a child.  Infertility is a taboo subject in our American culture for some reason.  I'll never understand that.  I've been very open about our quest to have a child and have never hidden the truth. 

Obviously, we don't have kids, so either people assume we don't want any or I tell them the truth.  It's so much easier to put the truth out there - people have active imaginations and often their guesses are so hurtful.  So, why not be honest?  I had so many surgeries in the last 10 years of my life that I just never was able to try to have kids.  Now, I'm 45 years old and healthy(finally) - and still no kids. Basically, I'm old.   B & I didn't get married until I was 35 - so I started out late in the game and my body (and God) had other plans.

Even though I've had roadblocks, I'm not one of those people who will just sit back and say, oh well, guess we can't have children.  I've fought hard with every iota of my being for us to be able to have a child.  I've changed my diet to the point where I don't recognize my eating habits.  I haven't had caffeine in 3 years and soda is but a distant memory.

I've made any sacrifice asked of me because it's just that important.  I've missed vacations, family events and cried my way through conference calls just to get through the day at work.  But it's all worth it you see.  I really want this.

Over the years, I've had to be my own health care advocate.  I've learned to ask, push and question.  Once I've built up trust with a physician, I absolutely follow their advice, but I still question when things don't quite seem right for me.  ME.  I've learned that science is a guideline and no two humans are alike (except for identical twins :o) of course.)  Many treatments that have worked well for other people don't work for me!  In fact, typical protocols for fertility treatments just don't work.  I have an amazing doctor who listens though and experiments with me and we've gotten great results.  Her nursing team's skill and compassion is un-matched and their support has helped me down this really complicated path we're on.

The one dangling participle, or missing link to this ever important fertility chain is God.  I know that no matter HOW HARD I try and how well I follow my diet and how diligent I am with taking my meds, I still might not get pregnant.  That breaks my heart to type, let alone say out loud.  I've faced that fact and have come to terms with it.  Sort of.  I still have hope in my heart.

I'm typing this now because we're at our last attempt.  We've tried everything there is and even things you've never heard of and so far no kids.  I've prayed so hard that I cry just thinking about it.  I've found saints to pray to that I never knew existed and I've had to have faith that if it's in God's plan for me, it will be so. If not, I'll have to let it go and move on with my life.  I know some of you are asking - why not adopt?  Well we did.  A traditional adoption would be very complicated for me with my health history and we were advised against it.  So we did a very different kind of adoption - and that's what we're waiting on now. 

Time will tell.  God has always provided for me - I'm only here because of His grace - I get this.  I just wish someone could call Him and explain that we'll be great parents - if He only gives us a chance.

Until we know more - prayers would be great.  And please, remember that if someone doesn't have kids, it might not be because they didn't want them.  God just had other plans for them.  But don't treat them like they have a disease - they still love kids and would love to be happy for you and celebrate your pregnancies and joys.  Your heart hurts inside, but if you want kids, you love them and any kids are a joy to be around. 

So tonight, after you pray for all of the couples struggling with infertility, hug your kids and realize how truly blessed you are - even if they drew all over the walls in permanent marker or dumped a 5 lb bag of flour on the floor...they are a gift.

Happy Friday Ya'll!

No Expectations, No Disappointments...

The purpose of this blog was to document life as we live it - so here you go.  Some days it ain't all that fun...

So I got some great news today.  And really, I should be thrilled right now, but instead, I'm nervous.  I'm afraid to be happy because my luck isn't all that.  Isn't that silly?   And no, I'm not pregnant.   I just got some great test results that I've been praying on for over six months now.   I've been waiting for this time to be past and put it behind me.  But for some reason now instead of feeling relieved, I'm just afraid.

Ever want something so badly that you just try to put it out of your head and forget about it?  I was never very good at that when I was younger.  If there was a competition at putting things out of your mind, I'd win it now.  I'm really good at focusing on the things I can control and leaving the rest up to God.  It's not a natural skill for me, but something I've learned over the last 10 years.  I've really got it down to a science now - except for today.

Over the years and after many moves around the country, my friends have spread out around the US and 'hanging out' has gotten harder to do.  Our lives have changed, they've had kids and our paths have gone in different directions.  I'm not boo-hooing here - it's just part of life.  Growing up and living our lives differently is part of the deal.

But, when you talk on the phone, you don't want to be "Nellie Negative" so you just don't talk about things that are chewing on you.  You learn to just 'deal' and put on your big girl panties.  Most of the time I'm ok with that and just handle things.  There are times though, that I want to scream, yell and just be pissed.  For some reason, most women just don't talk about fertility issues until they have a baby.  Then they might share a bit, but while you're in the middle of it, it can be pretty lonely.

I've taken a path that I didn't choose.  I think overall I've found my way and I'm now at my next crossroads.  For so long, I've fought for one thing and that was to be healthy.  When I won that battle (yay!), another immediately blew-up right in front of me - the big infertility battle (BIB!) of 2010.  Ha!  Pun intended!

I usually take life on the chin and handle everything that comes my way.  This is different.   Oh I can be tough, but this is scary stuff folks.  No matter how hard you work or how many rules you follow - it doesn't mean it's going to work.  I think that's the hard part. 

So for now I'll live with it and suck it up.  But don't kid yourselves, I'm praying like a mad woman and hoping for the best.  We had a saying in college, ' No expectations, no disappointments."  At the time we were probably worried about someone calling us - I never thought that expression would fit my life so well at 45.  Who knew?

45, Pregnant & Unemployed ♪♪♫♫

Waiting is defined by the Free Dictionary as " 1. The act of remaining inactive or stationary."  I don't know about ya'll but I absolutely hate to wait.   I was the kid who unwrapped the Christmas gifts her parents had hidden and then 'wrapped' them back up again because I HAD to know what I was getting and couldn't wait.  Ask B, I'm the worst at waiting to find out the answer to something that will impact my life; in fact, I even hate leaving messages for people because when I call, I want to talk to them at that moment, not later! 

I sat at my desk last week on a day when no one else was in the office and got a phone call with some great news!  Awesome!  I couldn't wait to share it!  Well, B was at work and couldn't take my call, my Mom was out of town and wasn't answering her phone and no on was on IM, so I had to sit still and wait to tell someone my news!  It about killed me.  No exaggeration either.  I was beside myself.

I am a doer.  That's who I am and what makes me tick.  Unfortunately, for the past 5 years, I've been forced into the role of a 'wait-er.'  Hate it.  I had health issues that after a while I knew they could fix, but I had to wait to go through their protocol to ensure I met the guidelines for the experimental treatment.  After they fixed me (see, I was right!), we dove right into trying to have a family.  Sure thing.  No waiting there.  (heavy sarcasm)

For the last 4+ years, we've been going down the unmarked path of infertility.  Nothing wrong with me at all; I'm just old.  If you've had infertility treatments, you know the whole thing is based on waiting.  And then waiting some more.  Testing, checking, verifying, mock cycling and so on....more waiting.   So yes, we're still waiting on babies.  I figure this is all part of God's plan to teach me patience and I'm just a slow learner.  Adding insult to injury, I also don't know if I'll have a job soon.  Very soon.  More waiting (and praying.)  Pretty soon I could be a really big cliche, 45, pregnant and unemployed.  What a great title for a new country song!!!   ♪♫♪♫♪♫

I think we're in very good company though.  Most friends and associates that I've spoken with in the past few months seem to be in a holding pattern in some shape or size.  Of course my co-workers are in the 'wait and see' mode like me about work - I have friends that are pregnant and are waiting for their babies to arrive, friends who are job hunting, friends who are house hunting, friends who are dealing with health issues,  friends who are soul searching, and the list goes on.

I've come to the conclusion that our generation - the 40 somethings - was told by our parents to get a job and have a career, get married and have a family and basically just be loyal citizens who contribute to the gross national product.  If we didn't fit that mold or did things differently, that was ok, but the end result should still be the same.  SO, a lot of us took jobs just to have one - not because it was our calling.  We dated, some got married and had kids, and some are still looking for the 'right' person.    We made decisions based on what was expected of us and not what we wanted. 

Now, we're doing what we want.  We're switching careers, getting new homes, downsizing, up sizing and trying to have kids later in life.  We want to eat our cake.....and we don't want to wait!  We want to catch up with our peers that had a different life plan - forgetting that they didn't get there overnight either.

So, I guess I'll just have to sit tight, pray a lot, be myself, follow my heart and be patient.  I will keep waiting though, because as the saying goes, good things come to those who wait.  That doesn't mean I'll stop doing either - I'll do what I have to do to move things along (being my real self) and maybe then I'll have peace, regardless of the outcome.