I'm On a Google Moratorium

Access to Google should be outlawed.  When you are stressed, sick, worried or in general just need information, going to Google is the first thing you do (at least I do).  You “Google it” to figure out what’s wrong or to get the answer you’re looking  for.  We equip ourselves with way too much information and subsequently, have to live with the consequences. 

So, here I am scared out of my wits.  I found out the reaction I had to dinner at The Melting Pot Sunday night, was shared by my Gluten Free buddy that we had dinner with.  It was such a severe reaction that I’m scared that it wasn’t just a GF reaction but that it was food poisoning. I feel horrible today and have a pretty bad head ache – all in all I feel like crap.

Of course I’m worrying about the baby now.  We have our ultrasound on Tuesday – so I only have 24 hours left to wait – but boy oh boy did my trip to Google-land screw with my head.  I’m so frustrated that I got so sick and that it might have harmed Pedro – add to that my feelings of inadequacy because there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.

Here I was all pumped that I ate a normal meal and got nutrients like most people do – and then bam.  No more meal.  Now I don’t want food AT ALL!    So much for ‘getting on top’ of the nausea.

So once again, I have to turn off my head and pray.  This has been one heck of a roller coaster ride and I’m so tired and sick, I don’t know if I’m up for another lap around the block.   Going to work is enough stress in itself these days – even under normal circumstances.  Add that to the fun with my stomach etc…and I’m having issues pulling it together and keeping it there.

I’m so much fun to be around right now, I’m sure you all wish you could be here with me!  Just think, you too could be sitting next to me and watch me sip out of a water bottle 100 times just to drink 8oz and then eat Corn Chex a ½ at a time – it’s a happening time.  Maybe I’ll video tape it – it would be scintillating film for sure.

So, keep praying for us all day today – it’s a big one for the McGs – ultrasound and potential job offer – Oy.  You can never say my life is simple can you!?!

Sorry about today’s bitch-fest – I promise I will be Google-free for a while and will instead work on a list of questions for my doctor tomorrow.  That would be a much smarter use of my time – it just requires waiting which just is no fun – but then again – who said life would be fun right? J

Happy Tuesday Ya’ll! 

What a Butt-Clenching Sort of Day

Well Wednesday would not be a day I'd like to repeat.  It was a pretty non-descript day over all until this afternoon.  But boy, when 3:30PM hit, all bets were off.  Work has just exploded.  Let's just leave it at that for now - and suffice it to say I'm so disappointed in people in general that I need to do something to remind myself that, people are good and caring and that the world is a good place to be.

Right now, I feel old, jaded and disjointed.  I feel disrespected and naive.  I wish I could share with you what happened, but I can't.  I can say it wasn't to me personally, it was to our whole company.  We're all at a loss for words I think.

So here I am, still waiting to find out if I have a job and really not sure if I want it.  I mean, I need it, but I don't know who to trust anymore and it scares me that my hopes are hinged on that.   I hope that this is just a rough patch and that things will look up.  I hope that the people left in our legacy company will lead well and be people we can trust.  I have hope.

It's tough enough to go into work when you're in limbo, but add in knowing this bad news and being worried about your future and bam - makes for a great rest of the week doesn't it? :)

I love the people I work with as I mentioned previously and it breaks my heart to see any of them hurt...so that made today even more difficult.  I think the next few weeks will be harder than anything I've ever been through.

I time everything well don't I?  We had a reception tonight for the final night of our company - and it was in a location that wasn't air conditioned.  I learned that I need air conditioning.   I left feeling unwell and got home and collapsed.  I swelled up like a little balloon and felt like I'd been through a marathon.

Luckily I had nothing to do, so I crashed for a bit and have rallied for now....lesson learned.  Pedro hates the heat.  I have been able to eat much more than before thankfully - so my energy is better.

So here I am, pregnant - still haven't heard the heartbeat and still not sure if I have a job....woohoo!  I sure know how to time things don't I?  I never did do things like everyone else, but I think all of this is testing things - it's a bit much isn't it?  

For now, I have no option other than to wait.  I'm practicing my 'Darth Vader' breathing and trying to calm my mind and focus only on today.  Easier said than done - but I can do this - I'll be in good company as all of my co-workers are in limbo in some shape or form as well.

Pray for all of us - it's a difficult thing to go through at any time, but add in the current state of our economy and job market and it's downright butt clenching scary.

SO the goal for tomorrow is to keep my butt cheeks relaxed and focus on breathing - and eating and drinking.  I have control over these things - life is good.  Oh and Pedro is now the size of a blueberry!   Yay!

Happy Thursday Ya'll.

Monday Was Just a Write-Off

What to do when you have nothing (or not much) to do?  That’s my current dilemma.  I’m in limbo as I expected and really wish I had a huge project to work on, but right now, that’s not the case.  So as I sit in my new office location – at my new wobbly desk – with my new phone that no one can figure out, I try to find things to do.

Obviously, we’ve moved into our new office location.  We’re in the other building and boy oh boy is it warm and humid.  I actually brought a fan in with me to help with the stifling heat that almost took me out yesterday.  No lie.  It is just sickening in here.

Yesterday was a really rough day for me.  I woke up sicker than I’ve been at all – so miserable I didn’t make it into work until about 9:30AM….it took me three hours to feel like I could actually take a shower and get ready – driving was a joy.

Here are some fun highlights of my day Monday:

1.       Woke up gagging.

2.       Got to work about 2 hours after my co-workers to move into our new cubicles.

3.       Found out my desk shakes when I type – so my monitor gives me the motion sickness gags.

4.       I walked with some friends over to our old building to have lunch in the 95 degree weather.   As soon as I entered the old building, my heel broke off of my favorite shoes.  They’re toast.

5.       I heated my lunch, sat down to eat and gagged.  Closed lunch and sat for a minute with the group and then had to leave because the smells of their lunches was too much.

6.       I walked back to the new building solo.  Water was more than I could handle yesterday.

7.       I limped the rest of the day.

8.       I had a cup of Corn Chex and popcorn to eat all day - that’s it.

9.       I spilled my ice coffee from Starbucks all over the back of my car when I went to leave work.

10.   Went to the chiropractor (yay Dr. Matt) – that was a highlight – but my back and neck were so bad I had to lie on ice for about 30 minutes.  Ouch.

Don’t get me wrong, there were some highlights to yesterday – the chiropractor helped me immensely.  I feel better – slept well last night and had yoga with my friend K.  She calmed me down the rest of the way after a really crappy day.  Yay YogaMe!!

Today, I’m equipped with my fan, my psi wristbands, a calmer stomach and a hope that this will turn out to be a great week!

Happy Tuesday Ya’ll!

And the Beat Goes On

Ok, so let's recap the last few of my posts - we went through fertility treatments, we waited and waited and waited, we found out we were pregnant (yay!), and I claimed it.  Obviously I'm a very silly girl because all I focused on was the actual 'getting pregnant' part of the whole picture.  So now that I'm pregnant, I'm back in the vicious loop of waiting, claiming, waiting and claiming. 

Today was a rough day for me. I'm totally ramped up about work - things are happening that one day I'll share; but right now it's a bit stressful to think about.  I'm not really happy at work right now but I need to have a job without B working.  SO I need to suck it up and put it away until I have no choice but to deal with it.  That might be two weeks from now actually.  At least I hope it is.

I woke up this morning and realized I didn't feel pregnant.  OH MY GOD.  I was ready to run screaming through the house - instead I asked for a hug.  It helped.  I thought I had that under control, but obviously I didn't. 

But I still had to go to work - after a quick visit to Dr. Matt - who still cracks me up by the way - so I went to work, practicing my yoga breathing - go Team McGowan! - it helped somewhat, but then the work stuff started and boy was I a wreck.  I got so upset today that I couldn't stay calm, my heart was just racing and then I noticed that I was feeling  really 'different.' Scary different.

I just wanted to turn tail and go home and crawl in bed and pray that everything would be ok.   I stuck it out though, talked with my boss and settled a few things and after a few hours of being calm, began to feel pregnant again.  I know I sound crazy ya'll - but I'm really scared right now.  I know I'm supposed to be  - but boy, after miscarrying 3 years ago, I'm second guessing every little twinge - praying that things are still copacetic.

So for now, I'm going to continue breathing deeply and hope that tomorrow's blood work is great - work can just continue to stay in the background for a while I think.  Baby McGowan's still so much more important - I'll just keep focusing on positive thoughts....

Fingers are crossed until tomorrow.....for now we're enjoying some cuddle time with our Bubbies, I'm curled up with my favorite afghan and Sabrina's on television - ok it's the remake of Sabrina, but any sappy chick flick in a pinch right?  And the beat goes on....(Sonny and Cher's version mind you.)  One day down many more to go!

Happy Thursday Ya'll!

Susie Cheerful Here

Well, today I have no pie.  I can't even find a pie plate.  It's a day when I just need to shut down and be.  So I am.  I actually spent most of today in the kitchen.  It was rewarding in a few ways - the fridge is nice and full.  It was also a mental health recharging opportunity.

There comes a time in your life when you just have to be and stop thinking about what's ahead or what's behind you.  I'm there.  Today is just a day to be for me.  I've prayed until I think God is tired of the same old thing.  So now, I've moved on to the saints.  If you're Catholic you know there are hundreds to choose from. I have my favorites, but I guess it depends on the situation.  Right now, I'm talking with all of them.  So far, no movement on their end.  We'll see what tomorrow brings...

Right now, I've done everything I can think of to get out of my funk.  None of it is working.  I'm open to suggestions ya'll.  I've watched three straight Hallmark movies, cooked, cleaned, played with the Bubbies, read a book and still nothing.   I even ate a rice krispie treat with butter cream icing on it.  It's a combo the neighbors love and my first actually and it was OK, but didn't make me smile.   I really wasn't kidding when I said I was out of pie was I?  I don't even feel like baking one right now.  Or eating one.  Or even talking about pie.

Everyone in the house is on edge too - Seamus is barking at everything, even when B stands up from his chair.   Paxton has pretty much set up house under the coffee table and B is snapping at everything that moves.  I guess my mood has spread through the house.   Oh joy; I owe everyone a happy day and soon. 

SO, now I'm open to any and all ideas for happy day thoughts and incentives.  I need things to look forward to and smile about.  As Scarlet O'Hara said...Tomorrow is another Day....  I'm really looking forward to going to bed tonight - maybe I'll sleep through the night and this will be nothing but a bad day to write off....

A girl can hope.  So, signing off for now - Happy Monday Ya'll.  Really.

- Susie Cheerful