Let's Re-define High Risk Shall We?

Well, we have hit 12 weeks - the beginning of it at least!  Today is a big day for us and Baby McG!  We meet our new doctor!  We'll call him Dr. Wickham - aka Pride and Prejudice.  He comes highly recommended so we're pretty excited.

Baby McG is the size of a lime right now!  Woohoo!  Here are some other fun facts about what will happen this week!
The most dramatic development this week: reflexes. Your baby's fingers will soon begin to open and close, his toes will curl, his eye muscles will clench, and his mouth will make sucking movements. In fact, if you prod your abdomen, your baby will squirm in response, although you won't be able to feel it.

Meanwhile, nerve cells are multiplying rapidly, and in your baby's brain, synapses are forming furiously. His face looks unquestionably human: His eyes have moved from the sides to the front of his head, and his ears are right where they should be. From crown to rump, your baby-to-be is just over 2 inches long and weighs about half an ounce.

How fun - our baby's brain is firing away!  I promise not to poke my stomach to make him/her squirm!  That just sounds mean.  Maybe Baby McG will take that into consideration and not poke ME too much in the future! :o)

The interesting part of this visit will be convincing the doctor that I'm not as high risk as he might think I am.    Since our baby is adopted, (See Winkin, Blinkin & Nod), the baby is the product of an egg that was only 34 years old - not an antique 45 year old egg like mine are.    So there's a big difference in genetic testing I'm sure and hopefully they will let me breathe a bit more.  Of course when I tell them my trachea is collapsed, that might cause another wave of panic, but we'll get to that.   NO worries right?

I'm sure I will help to redefine the term "high risk" but hey, I'm used to living outside of the medical box.  I'm made for this kind of thing.  I hope he's the kind of doctor who listens to his patients' gut - as in instincts.  Time will tell. 

Overall we're trying to focus more on the excitement and fun of things.  I'm still feeling like I've been in a car accident - Dr. Matt's doing his best.  My nausea is now more just a sensitivity to smells of all kinds - so I eat here and there.  Still not eating well, but I'm eating - so we're getting somewhere.

I'm looking forward to a long holiday weekend and maybe some mattress shopping!  Goodness knows, this body could use a soft landing pad at night!

Hope you all are having a great week!

Happy Thursday Ya'll!

Sometimes You Want to Go....

Reconnecting with old friends - such a fun thing to do isn't it?  I love going down memory lane and catching up with folks that I've lost touch with over the years.  My life has taken me down a pretty screwy path, so it was hard to stay in touch with people that mattered to me over the years.

How lucky we are to have things like Facebook to help us reconnect!  I often reflect on how different my life would be without all of the wonderful people I've met in my life.  Some were around for very short spurts, and some I'll hold in my heart forever, eternally grateful for their role in my life.

Some I crossed paths with due to dumb luck and some I think Fate put in my way on purpose.  Among them, I've had some really great roommates - what a blessing they all were.  Some just to get me out of my country bumpkin shell - thanks GEEK!  And others, to keep me grounded...thanks ROOMMATE!  Others to keep me sane  - Thanks Lou....and the list goes on...

I've learned what it is to have some seriously great friends.  At a very young age, I learned that just because you have fun hanging out with someone, it doesn't make them a friend; it makes them a fun acquaintance.  That was a really hard realization - it hit me when I was sick with a jaw problem back in my 20s.  I 'woke up' after surgery and realized that the people I thought were my friends were simply 'playmates' and they didn't want to play anymore.

Don't get me wrong - they were really nice people.  I was just no fun to be around.  Since we hadn't created the bonds that makes up a true friendship, when I wasn't up to go play at Moe's & Joe's, I dropped off the call list.  So I moved on.  I learned to make better, lifelong friends.  It was a hard lesson - but one that has served me well.  It moved me in a different, more meaningful direction.  One that I needed to take I think.  I needed to "go somewhere else where everybody knew my name!"  (And not just for hanging out in a bar either!)

Over the 10 years of our marriage, I've been sick quite a bit.  B and I haven't been able to make that many friends as a 'couple' because of that (well that and because we moved across country.)  I feel like I've short-changed him on that....and I'm hoping we can work on fixing that moving forward.  Not that I'm looking to replace the wonderful friends we do have - unfortunately, a lot of them live somewhere else!  If I had a dollar for every time I said the line, "I wish we lived closer" to friends, I'd be able to retire by now!

SO for now, I'm going to enjoy reconnecting and laughing over silly memories and I'm going to look forward to creating new memories.  I know that the next phase of our lives will be pretty complicated.  Not only am I going to be a new first time mommy, I'm going to be a lot older than most of the other mommies.  That's going to be a shift.  Most of my friends are sending their kids off to high school or college - mine isn't even here yet!  I always did do things at my own pace - married at 35, baby at 45...

Change is good though and I'm looking forward to the new challenges.  I'm looking forward to making new friends and keeping in touch with the great friends I've made over the years.   No matter where we travel in the US, I think we have someone we can visit with when we get there! 

Now how fun is that?!

Happy Tuesday Ya'll.

I'm Stressed and Tigger is on the Cape

Ever work towards something for so long, that when it was right in front of you, it really messed with you?  That happened to me yesterday.  I've been working towards something really important to me for so long, that when I found out it was imminent, my brain just shut down.  I guess I spent so long keeping it on the back shelf, that I forgot to move it to the front of my brain!

Now I'm not sure whether I should be excited, scared or just stay numb.  Numb is of course the easiest path.  I can go through the motions and just ignore the inevitable until I have no choice but to address it.   I can focus on the things that are in front of me for now and just pass the time....or, I just stay freaked out. 

That's a pretty easy path too, but way too stressful.  Not to mention it can really screw up your sleep.  I learned that last night my friends.  (On a high note, at least The Truth About Cats and Dogs was on.  I love that movie.)  I think I'm done with the 'freak-out' phase, for now at least.  I hope.

SO I guess that leaves me with excitement.  I gather this post doesn't sound like I'm oozing with excitement just yet.  In fact, I think Eeyore has taken over my body.  Tigger has left the building and I think I heard a rumor that he went to the Cape for the month.  Of course Tigger would leave me in my time of need.  Butthead.

Maybe I can channel Piglet or Roo?  I'm sure I would scare both of them right now. 

The fear is probably just masking the excitement.  I don't know.  Either way, I want to be excited and am am just not there yet.  I guess that will be my goal for the rest of the weekend.  Be excited.  Yep...going to be a rough one. 

You know who Ben Stein is?  The Ferris Bueller, teacher who says, Bueller, Bueller, Bueller?  That's what the voice in my head sounds like right now.    Sheesh...I need to get a grip and just face things don't I.  What a roller coaster life is.  For now, think I'll go avoid my Eeyore thoughts and read a good book.  When I'm done with that, I'll give Tigger a call and see if he can coach me over the phone.

Happy Saturday Ya'll!

Tigger, Eeyore & the Damn Glass

For some reason, I was dreading today.  I didn't sleep well last night, but did have a great workout this morning. So, I put on my war face and headed towards work ready to attack the day.  Some days I have to make a VERY conscious effort to be in a happy mood....I know you've been there too.  

Ever heard of the Tigger and Eeyore syndrome?  Eeyore is chronically pessimistic, always gloomy and depressing and has a low self-esteem along with an even lower expectation of life in general.  

On the other hand, Tigger has a bubbly and "bouncing" personality. When life gets him down, he strives to find the silver lining. And when he does, he "bounces for joy" while counting his blessings.

Honestly, I think we have all have natural inclinations as part of our core personality.  Therefore, I think you can be a bit of both Tigger and Eeyore.  The whole 'glass half full or empty' thing also flummoxes me - it changes for me all the time.  There are also some days where I just see the damn glass and have no earthly idea whether it's full or empty, nor could I care!  Today was an 'Eeyore, can't even see the damn glass' kind of day, so I'm really trying to add a bit of Tigger to it. So far Eeyore is winning out...but I'm still trying.

Obviously, things are really stressful here at work, what with all of the WAITING and all.  So here I am, trying to Live in the Moment, and be cheerful dammit.  One of my favorite quotes is as follows:

“Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behavior. Keep your behavior positive because your behavior becomes your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.”   -  Mahatma Gandhi



I actually have this quote printed out and on the wall behind my computer monitor.  I try to live this daily...sometimes it's only weekly, but I do think about it regularly.  ( Does anyone else think it's funny that I've mentioned Tigger, Eeyore and Gandhi in the same post? :o) )  Sometimes it helps, some days it doesn't.

In order to keep my thoughts positive, I've tried to appreciate a few small things that have happened to me today -



 I had to run to the dr at lunch today

and get back in time for a meeting at 11:45AM.

 - I made it!



I got my Five Year Anniversary

certificate for my job today...  (Ironic isn't it?)

AND, last but not least, I was able to eat at an IT Lunch and Learn for the first time in a long time due to my super friend who ordered me a Gluten Free pizza from Domino's!  I got busted on for having my own personal pizza, but it sure was nice to eat with the team for a change -  thanks Jennifer!  (And no, I wasn't thanking myself, she's a Jennifer too.)

I guess the overall message o' the day is this, being 'up' isn't always easy, but it matters.  Everyone around you is affected by your mood.  So even though we're allowed to have our bad days, try not to spread it around and take it out on your bike/workout instead!  If you're feeling a bit 'Eeyore-ish', try convert it to a toned down Tigger and eventually you will get through it.  Stop worrying about the glass being half full etc...and if you can't?  You can always pitch the damn glass and go buy a new one!  Happy Thursday ya'll!





45, Pregnant & Unemployed ♪♪♫♫

Waiting is defined by the Free Dictionary as " 1. The act of remaining inactive or stationary."  I don't know about ya'll but I absolutely hate to wait.   I was the kid who unwrapped the Christmas gifts her parents had hidden and then 'wrapped' them back up again because I HAD to know what I was getting and couldn't wait.  Ask B, I'm the worst at waiting to find out the answer to something that will impact my life; in fact, I even hate leaving messages for people because when I call, I want to talk to them at that moment, not later! 

I sat at my desk last week on a day when no one else was in the office and got a phone call with some great news!  Awesome!  I couldn't wait to share it!  Well, B was at work and couldn't take my call, my Mom was out of town and wasn't answering her phone and no on was on IM, so I had to sit still and wait to tell someone my news!  It about killed me.  No exaggeration either.  I was beside myself.

I am a doer.  That's who I am and what makes me tick.  Unfortunately, for the past 5 years, I've been forced into the role of a 'wait-er.'  Hate it.  I had health issues that after a while I knew they could fix, but I had to wait to go through their protocol to ensure I met the guidelines for the experimental treatment.  After they fixed me (see, I was right!), we dove right into trying to have a family.  Sure thing.  No waiting there.  (heavy sarcasm)

For the last 4+ years, we've been going down the unmarked path of infertility.  Nothing wrong with me at all; I'm just old.  If you've had infertility treatments, you know the whole thing is based on waiting.  And then waiting some more.  Testing, checking, verifying, mock cycling and so on....more waiting.   So yes, we're still waiting on babies.  I figure this is all part of God's plan to teach me patience and I'm just a slow learner.  Adding insult to injury, I also don't know if I'll have a job soon.  Very soon.  More waiting (and praying.)  Pretty soon I could be a really big cliche, 45, pregnant and unemployed.  What a great title for a new country song!!!   ♪♫♪♫♪♫

I think we're in very good company though.  Most friends and associates that I've spoken with in the past few months seem to be in a holding pattern in some shape or size.  Of course my co-workers are in the 'wait and see' mode like me about work - I have friends that are pregnant and are waiting for their babies to arrive, friends who are job hunting, friends who are house hunting, friends who are dealing with health issues,  friends who are soul searching, and the list goes on.

I've come to the conclusion that our generation - the 40 somethings - was told by our parents to get a job and have a career, get married and have a family and basically just be loyal citizens who contribute to the gross national product.  If we didn't fit that mold or did things differently, that was ok, but the end result should still be the same.  SO, a lot of us took jobs just to have one - not because it was our calling.  We dated, some got married and had kids, and some are still looking for the 'right' person.    We made decisions based on what was expected of us and not what we wanted. 

Now, we're doing what we want.  We're switching careers, getting new homes, downsizing, up sizing and trying to have kids later in life.  We want to eat our cake.....and we don't want to wait!  We want to catch up with our peers that had a different life plan - forgetting that they didn't get there overnight either.

So, I guess I'll just have to sit tight, pray a lot, be myself, follow my heart and be patient.  I will keep waiting though, because as the saying goes, good things come to those who wait.  That doesn't mean I'll stop doing either - I'll do what I have to do to move things along (being my real self) and maybe then I'll have peace, regardless of the outcome.

What to do, What to do?!

Today is my first day of vacation!  Yipee!  Nothing better than waking up when I'm ready.  There's something said for that isn't there?  Next up, working out, taking a nice long bath with a good book and just having free, lazy time!   I'm taking a day off here and there to use up some vacation time.   What better time to use it then now - did I mention the company where I work is being bought out/acquired by a large conglomerate?  No stress there.  B is in graduate school full-time so I'm the only full-time paycheck for the family.  SO, obviously having a good job is really important to me right now.  The question of "What to Do?" is around my net steps career-wise. 

I really love the company I work for; my co-workers keep me coming back for more.  I just celebrated my 5 year anniversary too.  Sadly, that's all changing in the very near future.  I don't know if I will have a job, let alone a job I want.  Do I really want to work for the 'new' company at all?  A co-worker made a very smart comment a few months back, "We should stop worrying about whether or not we have jobs.  Instead we should worry about whether or not we want to work for the company."

I don't think I do.  To quote Diane Keaton in Baby Boom, "I think the rat race could use one less rat."  Maybe I choose a job just for the sake of the job, not where it could take me.  Maybe I try telecommuting instead of rush hour traffic day in and day out.   Maybe I focus more on our personal lives instead of my stress at work. 

These are the questions 'o the day - I think I'll go make some granola.  I always think better when I bake....