Bubbie Love

Paxton - our sweet Bubbie is on Prozac....yes, bless his little heart, we had to medicate him.  Paxton is our sweet little rescue mutt who has some pretty serious issues.  When he was a puppy, we thought it was so cute when he stole Seamus' toys - all of them.  We laughed when he laid on top of all of the toys and in general was a little cute, black furball of a bully.

Little did we know that the little lip curls and snarls would evolve into a scary, slightly possessed behavior that he has very little control over.  Right now, he's curled up on one of his beds - yes, he has two downstairs and two upstairs.  (Get over it.)  He's calm now, but 20 minutes ago, he was lunging and biting at B because he made the mistake of bending over to pet Paxton in the kitchen.  Maybe it was the dim lighting, maybe it was the fact that B bent over, who knows.  Whatever the trigger, it set him off and he became the Tazmanian Devil in 5 seconds flat.  It's scary when it happens.

Sometimes you can see it coming and others, he just lunges without warning and you have to jump to get as far out of his way as possible.  Otherwise, you'll end up with a bite mark, a scratch or worse, bloody.  He's a brutal little one when he's in the zone.  You can see it, his eyes glaze over and he's not there anymore.  Paxton as we know and love him is gone.  It's a darned good thing he's only 11 lbs...otherwise, he wouldn't be here.

When he snaps out of it, he's very upset and shakes, moans and typically is either under the coffee table or in his crate - all dependent upon whether it happens upstairs or down.  If you can get him to focus by getting him to sit - using his brain - he snaps out of it faster, but if you can't, he will continue to attack and try to get you to stay away from him.  It's totally based on irrational fear.

We've had two different trainers and have been to our vet numerous times.  The latest visit sent us to a behavioral specialist (veterinarian) who was bloody expensive.   After the first 3 hour visit with him, we learned Pax has something called, Owner Based Fear Aggression.  Basically, if he moved in with another family, he'd do it to them too.  It's just how he's wired.  He's also socially handicapped.  He doesn't pick up on cues from other dogs.  Basically, he doesn't speak doggie-ese. 

It's so heartbreaking it's hard to describe.  He's sweet and loving and so attached 90% of the time.  He's so happy to see me when I get home and he waits for me when I'm upstairs no matter what.  He sits at the top of the steps and won't go down until I do.  We love him to pieces - but boy is he a mess.

So, we've gotten him to a point where the outbursts are fewer, but still just as unexpected - and we figured we were being bad 'parents' if we didn't try to help him with medication too, so here we are.  He's been on the meds now for about 5 days and so far he's gotten even more affectionate - if that's possible.  The outburst with B wasn't AS bad as it's been in the past, so maybe, just maybe it's starting to take off the edge.  We should know more in about a week's time.

In the meantime, we'll spoil him, we'll love on him and we'll give him boundaries.  We'll keep slipping him Prozac in his peanut butter and we'll pray that it helps him to calm down and realize that we're here to take care of him, not hurt him.  We love him so much and can't imagine ever giving him up, but if we're ever going to bring a child into our home, it's a reality that we can't ignore.  So in the meantime, please keep him in your prayers and pray that the little sweet ball of fur gets a chance to feel calm and safe for a change.

Happy Tuesday Ya'll and I'll leave you with one of my favorite Paxton pictures - he was doing a bit of yoga...working on his inner peace -

The dog knows how to get comfortable doesn't he!  :o)

Passionless in Charlotte

Hmm...It's time for Monday again.  It was a really crazy 'up and down' weekend; so mentally, I'm not sure I'm ready for Monday.  Not that I have a choice, so I'll suck it up and face it head on.  Right now, I have baked oatmeal cooling in the kitchen for breakfast  - most important meal of the day right?  My lunch is made, my coffee is ready to be made in the morning and I think all of the dangling participles of the weekend have been tied down.

So all that's left is to get my brain back in the game.  I think I told you my brain had off on Saturday - well today it was in and out.  Honestly I'm hoping that it shows up full time for Monday.  Could be ugly without it.  I just need to get my heart involved.  Isn't it the usually case that when you're heart is in the game, the head follows?

I think that's what has been troubling me lately.  My heart isn't in the game because of the buy-out.  I hate that.  At one time, I loved everything about my job - the craziness, the stress and the deadlines.  Now, they just annoy the crap out of me.  They are someone else's deadlines now - I think that's the real issue.

How do I make them mine again?  I feel like I need to have an intervention with my counterparts at the other company and get them into the game.  I need to get the passion back and get my heart into things.  I need to ignore the stress around me, no matter how palpable and just get it done.

I've been through many downsizings in my time.  I've done the layoff thing, job changes and wishful career dreaming - but selling my passion to another company that was taking over my job and getting rid of all of my hard work, is new to me.  

SO that my friends is the goal for Monday.  Bring back the passion and get my heart back into the game.  What a simple sentence - yet so important.  I'm open to any and all ideas of how to do this.  Seriously.    I'm in deep water on this - so if anyone has a pair of swimmies I can borrow let me know!  Happy Monday Ya'll!

My Brain Has Left the Building

I think my brain took today off - no warning, no planned vacation, just vacated the premises and left me hanging.  It also left me with a big, fat headache and little to do except watch a bunch of movies - cue Ferris Bueller and Larry Crowne (a brief shout out to Direct TV for that free HBO thing going on.)

So now, it's 10:30PM on Saturday and I still have a nagging headache and my brain has finally decided to do the walk of shame back home.  What an incredible waste of a day.  Don't get me wrong, I totally stressed out my brain last night editing the term paper (duh duh duh) - so I do understand a little of why my brain was mad with me today.  After all, last night I was supposed to bake something - I even had butter out on the counter getting to room temperature - so my mind was totally set on doing something that relaxed and smelled good. 

Instead, it got a red pen (although a really great red pen) and a really dry, 'shoot me in the foot' kind of paper to read.  Add to that it was awake much later than it has been in probably years; thus this morning was a write-off.  Hey, I did have a great bath - but since I couldn't even focus on a paperback, it was a short one.

I sadly skipped my workout as that might have incentivized my brain to stick around - but after "Decadent Digits" kicked my ass yesterday during a beat down masquerading as a massage. I wasn't really in the workout mood!   Thanks DD - my back feels great!  My head is beginning to forgive you! :o)

I'm hoping tomorrow will be better - I think my brain owes me a great Sunday after blowing me off all day don't you?  Unfortunately, and don't tell my brain this, I have to be at the doctor at 7AM for blood work and then we're off to race to church in time for 8:30AM mass - so it won't be a normal Sunday morning at all. 

So I'll keep my fingers crossed that my brain isn't hung over in the morning and pray that the early morning call is enough to kick my brain into motion.  I'm all for lazy days, but only when I enjoy them. The kind I had today did not qualify as an enjoyable day.  The Bubbies really appreciated the downtime though....so there's that....

Tomorrow I promise I will do something to feel productive and check something off of my proverbial list - but for the rest of tonight, I think I'll watch hockey with my eye lids shut.

Happy Sunday Ya'll!  Here's to making it a great and fully engaged day!