I Have Hope in My Heart

Have you ever been to a fertility clinic?  I hope not.  I have and they aren't fun.  Fertility clinics are places where women of all ages, race, size and religion flock to in order to conceive a child.  Infertility is a taboo subject in our American culture for some reason.  I'll never understand that.  I've been very open about our quest to have a child and have never hidden the truth. 

Obviously, we don't have kids, so either people assume we don't want any or I tell them the truth.  It's so much easier to put the truth out there - people have active imaginations and often their guesses are so hurtful.  So, why not be honest?  I had so many surgeries in the last 10 years of my life that I just never was able to try to have kids.  Now, I'm 45 years old and healthy(finally) - and still no kids. Basically, I'm old.   B & I didn't get married until I was 35 - so I started out late in the game and my body (and God) had other plans.

Even though I've had roadblocks, I'm not one of those people who will just sit back and say, oh well, guess we can't have children.  I've fought hard with every iota of my being for us to be able to have a child.  I've changed my diet to the point where I don't recognize my eating habits.  I haven't had caffeine in 3 years and soda is but a distant memory.

I've made any sacrifice asked of me because it's just that important.  I've missed vacations, family events and cried my way through conference calls just to get through the day at work.  But it's all worth it you see.  I really want this.

Over the years, I've had to be my own health care advocate.  I've learned to ask, push and question.  Once I've built up trust with a physician, I absolutely follow their advice, but I still question when things don't quite seem right for me.  ME.  I've learned that science is a guideline and no two humans are alike (except for identical twins :o) of course.)  Many treatments that have worked well for other people don't work for me!  In fact, typical protocols for fertility treatments just don't work.  I have an amazing doctor who listens though and experiments with me and we've gotten great results.  Her nursing team's skill and compassion is un-matched and their support has helped me down this really complicated path we're on.

The one dangling participle, or missing link to this ever important fertility chain is God.  I know that no matter HOW HARD I try and how well I follow my diet and how diligent I am with taking my meds, I still might not get pregnant.  That breaks my heart to type, let alone say out loud.  I've faced that fact and have come to terms with it.  Sort of.  I still have hope in my heart.

I'm typing this now because we're at our last attempt.  We've tried everything there is and even things you've never heard of and so far no kids.  I've prayed so hard that I cry just thinking about it.  I've found saints to pray to that I never knew existed and I've had to have faith that if it's in God's plan for me, it will be so. If not, I'll have to let it go and move on with my life.  I know some of you are asking - why not adopt?  Well we did.  A traditional adoption would be very complicated for me with my health history and we were advised against it.  So we did a very different kind of adoption - and that's what we're waiting on now. 

Time will tell.  God has always provided for me - I'm only here because of His grace - I get this.  I just wish someone could call Him and explain that we'll be great parents - if He only gives us a chance.

Until we know more - prayers would be great.  And please, remember that if someone doesn't have kids, it might not be because they didn't want them.  God just had other plans for them.  But don't treat them like they have a disease - they still love kids and would love to be happy for you and celebrate your pregnancies and joys.  Your heart hurts inside, but if you want kids, you love them and any kids are a joy to be around. 

So tonight, after you pray for all of the couples struggling with infertility, hug your kids and realize how truly blessed you are - even if they drew all over the walls in permanent marker or dumped a 5 lb bag of flour on the floor...they are a gift.

Happy Friday Ya'll!

Mission Accomplished

Well, it's back to the land of the land of the living tomorrow.  Tragic.  I did this on purpose though - I doubt many others will be silly enough to work the day after the 4th and since I only have to work 2 days - it shouldn't hurt too much.  I hope.

Today was a better day - but still a lazy day.  It ended on a great note though - with fireworks!  YAY!  I finally saw my first fireworks in Charlotte.  They were pretty fantastic.  It was a really great night to sit outside which was surprising.  It's been over 100 degrees here for a week or so and today was in the mid 90s.  I was expecting to sit outside and sweat all night, but lo and behold, it was actually pretty nice.  There was a nice breeze blowing, we had our frozen yogurt (and chocolate chip cookies) and were ready to roll!

I put some thought into a good location to go see fireworks this year.  There were a few criteria that had to be met to make the location acceptable:

1.  Small crowds - no shoulder to shoulder proximity - I'm a crowd o-phobic.
2.  Near a yogurt/ice cream place. (or a Good Humor man!)
3.  Must be near green space for proper blanket placement.
4.  Close to home without having to go into Uptown  (That's what they call downtown here in CLT.)
5.  Most importantly, great view, but down wind of the smoke etc... from the fireworks.

View of the city from the Greenway
- Fireworks were in the other direction.

We found the perfect location that met most of the criteria - it just had a bit of an obstructed view.  I was ok with that actually.   It was a new park in the Dilworth area, called The Greenway I believe, about 6-7 blocks from where they shot off the fireworks.  It actually worked out really well, some of the lower fireworks were a bit cut off though.  No worries - lots of folks moved to get a better view and it just meant fewer people and more breezes for us.  I'd say we found the perfect spot!  Mission accomplished!

Like I said, it was a really great way to end my lazy week!  I hope everyone here in the US had a wonderful 4th and I hope all of my non-US readers are having a great week too!

I can't believe I have to wait another year for my fireworks!  I think I'll spend the time doing some scouting for alternate locations in case the Greenway gets too crowded next year.  It's never too early to plan  you know.  :o)

Have a great Thursday Ya'll!

I'm Going Nuts

This week has been a very introspective time for me...in case you hadn't noticed.  For a while now, I couldn't wait to have some time off to just chill and relax for a change.  Now that I've been off for a week - I realize that the old adage - be careful what you wish for,  it might come true, really does still apply.    I'm going nuts.

Seriously.  I've always secretly envied women who could be stay-at-home moms - what a gift.  But honestly, I haven't had any people contact besides my parents (yesterday), in about 3 days.  I'm about ready to pull my hair out!  I don't want to manufacture things to do - that would defeat the purpose of relaxing right?  But I do miss my people contact.

I finally finished my book.  It was good, but obviously my attention isn't what it should be right now.  Remind me to tell you why some time...just not today.   Today, I'm all about no heavy or introspective thinking.  I'm watching brainless movies and shows like Cake Boss and am just watching the clock move. 

I just need to get through this week and then all will change - either for the good or the bad.  (Mentally I say good and bad in a Scottish accent - that's another story that really requires sound to be effective, so I'll just leave it at that.) 

For now, I will be Unproductive Jennifer - one of the many facets of my personality that I didn't know existed until this week.  I don't really like her much.  She's so lazy and actually slept until noon today.  I know!  Well, I'll give her a bit of break - she did wake up at 6AM and then 7 AM and then 8 AM...she did eat breakfast and talk with her husband - it wasn't her fault that she fell back asleep for 2 hours.  

Unproductive Jennifer is such a slouch that she actually made her husband go out and pick up their dinner - that he called in.  Nope, she didn't even place the order.  What a lazy bum huh?

I'm hoping that UJ (Unproductive Jennifer) goes on hiatus tomorrow.  I mean it's even a big deal to get her to blow dry her hair!  That's not much fun to hang out with day in and day out.  Organized Jennifer is ready to take over tomorrow thank goodness.  I hope there isn't a coup in the early morning time frame - UJ is usually so cranky in the morning and OJ is such a pain --jumping up and getting on the recumbent bike first thing in the morning.  This isn't going to be pretty folks. 

So, if you hear some loud rumblings tomorrow morning - please cover your ears - the girls can be ugly when they don't get their way.  My money is on OJ - she's been around longer and has a few more tricks up her sleeve.  Wish me luck.  If OJ doesn't win, going to work on Thursday could be really tricky!

All kidding aside ya'll, let's remember what today is all about for all Americans - freedom.

On this day in 1776, the Declaration of Independence was approved by the Continental Congress, setting the 13 colonies on the road to freedom as a sovereign nation.

So while you're enjoying your cookouts, your days off from work and your fireworks, remember the people who helped put us there.  The history that makes us who we are....

Happy Fourth of July Ya'll!!