Back on the Roller Coaster....

Well, you know they say the little voice knows...well I guess there was a reason why I wasn't diving in head first to mommy-hood....I had a minor emergency today.  I had some bleeding.  I know all of you who have had kids are going, ok, that's normal.  I guess it is, but when your morning sickness ends and you start bleeding, your heart goes immediately to panic.

I called my doctor's office and they had me come right in.  I was able to see the ultrasound and I have one little one growing - no twins.  I"m thrilled to have one - don't get me wrong.  It looks ok for now, but it's too early for a heartbeat.  So all I know is that the baby looks ok for now....but if I still have bleeding they want me in tomorrow for blood work. 

I'm back on the roller coaster folks.  I hate this damn roller coaster.  Seriously, I didn't expect this to be as hard as the infertility thing - but it is.  I would actually hazard a guess that this is even harder.  I was hysterical today.  I just couldn't stop the fear and must have prayed so hard that my subconscious drove my car to the doctor's office.

I can't say enough of how amazing the staff was at my doctor's office. If anyone ever needs a fertility clinic in the Charlotte area, I would so recommend REACH....they were so caring and worried about me.   They helped keep me sane until B could get there.  The doctor spent about 20 minutes with me and walked through what he saw and the positives as well as the things he couldn't predict.  He was very open and honest with me.

I appreciated the honesty, but boy I could have used a few lies today...let me tell you!  I get that my reality is right now to stay still and pray more than I've ever prayed.  I know that this is in God's hands and that if it's meant to be it will be.

For now I'm going to be thankful for the wonderful friends I have at work who calmed me as much as they could and then called my husband to get him on his way to the doctor.  I'm thankful for the doctor and nurses at REACH and I'm thankful that for now, my baby is doing exactly what it's supposed to do.  I'm also thankful that our electricity came back on an hour earlier than expected....that will have to do for now.

Keep those prayers coming if you can - we'd really appreciate it...

Have a happy Thursday Ya'll!

Claim It Ya'll!

Let me start with a HUGE thank you for all of your kind words, thoughts and prayers from my post yesterday!  We're thrilled and still nervous as we're really 'early' in the baby process.  It feels right though and I feel horrible most of the time - so I guess that's a good thing....

Ya'll remember that post I wrote about being 45, pregnant and unemployed?  Well, I've gotten the first two of those items down - now I'm really concerned about the third.  The sale of our company is coming any day now and boy the tension is thick.  

So I guess the struggle for me over the next few months will be how to walk the fine line between stress and calm and how to just 'Claim it.' 

The 'Claim It' concept is a new one to me.  As a "good Catholic girl," I was taught to pray but not to ask for things for myself - to pray for others.  So when I had a great conversation with a co-worker about our quest to have a family, she very simply said to me, "You'll get what you want.  You just have to claim it."   I completely scratched my head and said, "I'm sorry - I'm not sure what that means."  I truly had no clue what she was talking about.

Basically, she told me that if I owned what I wanted and claimed it as my own, that God would hear me and answer our prayers.  The concept was and is fascinating to me....later in the week, I was speaking with a friend (who is not Catholic) and mentioned it.  She very calmly said, "oh yes, you need to claim it," like it was something I should know how to do.

She helped me to understand things a bit more and off I went - to claim away. Interestingly enough - when doing some 'research' about this idea,  I found a Facebook page called:  "Step Out in Faith and Give Thanks, Claim it and it Will Be Yours."   I was really surprised and somewhat disappointed that I had been missing out on this concept. 

SO here I am.  I'm going to have a baby (yay!)- hopefully a happy and healthy one; my prayers were answered.  I claimed it - so now is it too much to ask for or should I say, claim a job too?  I wonder what the limits are on this method of prayer....is it like Aladdin?  Do I get three and then I'm done?  I'm not trying to be irreverent here, I just don't think I really understand the whole concept yet. 

For now, I'll keep praying for a healthy baby and that I have a job - I'll claim it as I know how and hope and pray that I'm doing it right!  If any of you can give me feedback or help me to understand this a bit more - I'd love to hear from you.

I've prayed a lot in my time and have had many wonderful people pray for me, I guess I just can't get past the Catholic guilt thing - I always figure God knows what's in my heart.  I guess I need to say it out loud to make it real - to prove I really want it.

Oy - the hormones are obviously making my mind race.  I think I'll get off and go to bed.  I hope you 'claim' what your heart desires and that God answers your prayers!

I'll leave you with one of my all time favorite (and guaranteed to make me cry songs)- I think it really helps to explain the path we've taken and why my brain has issues asking for good things...and it's a beautiful song too!

Blessings -  Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

Happy Wednesday Ya'll!