Today Was a Gift I'll Never Forget

Wow - what a day it was today.  I didn't hear about my job yet - I'm hoping for Wednesday for that - we'll see.  As some of you may have seen on my Facebook page, we heard the baby's heartbeat today!  It was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard.  B and I both cried - it was impossible not to!  My doctor said everything looks really great and we're thrilled.

I finally feel pregnant!  There are so many thoughts running through my head tonight....it's so amazing to know I have another living being growing inside of me.  To see the baby's heartbeat - already - is such a miracle. 

How great is God?  Really?  What an incredible thing to give a beating heart to a being that is the size of a kumquat.  Truly - I'm humbled and feel unbelievably blessed to have been able to experience this - what a gift this journey has been.

I said to my doctor today that I thought that the fertility path was tough and boy was I naive!  This process has been the hardest thing I've ever gone through - the ups and downs have been terrifyingly crazy.   Every day changes, but I guess this is God getting us ready for whatever comes next. 

We took the longest possible path to get there, but I have say, looking back now, that it was the path we were supposed to take.  I so appreciate where we are now so much more because of where we've been. 

On a lighter note, the doctor prescribed Zofran - Yay Dr. T!  We're hoping it will take the edge off the nausea in the mornings so I can stay on top of the nausea - we'll see what happens.  At a minimum, I know I'll sleep tonight; Zofran makes me so sleepy!  I would love to be able to take off my pink striped -yet so pretty - PSI bands - even for a night.    They really bother me after a while.  I'm still nervous to take them off just yet.

One more month and this misery will hopefully be behind us - unless Pedro has it out for Mommy! :o) If that's the case, then I'll suck it up and appreciate peanuts mixed with chocolate covered raisins and Corn Chex for lunch for the next 7 months!   On a high note, I did eat a BLT for dinner tonight - B makes really good ones.  It didn't bother me in the least - it felt good to eat and not think about it for a change. 

For a person who loves cooking and baking, food is such an annoyance right now.  I dread packing my lunch and getting breakfast ready for the morning.  This is when I dream of having a food service deliver my meals - ones that I can change my mind about up to the very last minute - what I want, when I want it. 

Sigh.  For now, I'll drink my Dr. Matt special for breakfast (protein shake) so at least I know Pedro will get one 'non-Mexican' meal a day - I'll keep looking for things to eat that don't contain corn or potatoes and I'll appreciate every single, silly moment.

We are blessed.

Happy Wednesday Ya'll!

Winkin, Blinkin & Nod

I want to introduce to 3 key players in our lives, Winkin, Blinkin and Nod.  I'm not sure if all of you know the poem – but I loved it as a kid - so here it is:

Winkin', Blinkin', and Nod, one night sailed off in a wooden shoe;
Sailed off on a river of crystal light into a sea of dew.
"Where are you going and what do you wish?" the old moon asked the three.
"We've come to fish for the herring fish that live in this beautiful sea.
Nets of silver and gold have we," said Winkin', Blinkin', and Nod.

The old moon laughed and sang a song as they rocked in the wooden shoe.
And the wind that sped them all night long ruffled the waves of dew.
Now the little stars are the herring fish that live in that beautiful sea;
"Cast your nets wherever you wish never afraid are we!"
So cried the stars to the fishermen three - Winkin', and Blinkin', and Nod.

So all night long their nets they threw to the stars in the twinkling foam.
'Til down from the skies came the wooden shoe bringing the fisherman home.
'Twas all so pretty a sail it seemed as if it could not be.
Some folks say 'twas a dream they dreamed of sailing that misty sea.
But I shall name you the fisherman three - Winkin', Blinkin', and Nod.

Now Winkin' and Blinkin' are two little eyes and Nod is a little head.
And the wooden shoe that sailed the skies is a wee one's trundle bed.
So close your eyes while mother sings of the wonderful sights that be.
And you shall see those beautiful things as you sail on the misty sea,
Where the old shoe rocked the fishermen three - Winkin', Blinkin', and Nod.

Now the reason I shared this poem with you is because this is what B dubbed the 3 embryos that we transferred on 6/27/12, Winkin', Blinkin' and Nod.  It meant a lot to me and I think surprised him because he didn’t even know the story.  It just came out of his mouth!   J  Our doctor and nurses call them that as well – it made if feel so real and kept me going.

So maybe it’s time for a bit of background on W,B & N…  so, here goes....after all of our trials and tribulations with infertility, we were given an amazing gift.  We adopted embryos.  Yes, we adopted embryos.  Really.  We opted to ‘rescue’ embryos that were already waiting for a family rather than continuously pulling a ‘Celine Dion’ and going through IVF over and over and over again with my eggs as they are just old…sad, but true.  It just felt selfish and hopeless after a while.  The clock kept ticking.

We had a path to take, so we did.  I had to feel closure and know that we had done everything we could do to try to have our own children.  So when we were having what I thought might be our last visit with our fertility doctor, she gave us some pamphlets to read about embryo adoption.  It sounded interesting – especially to me, the Queen of all Medical procedures. 

We thanked her and left.  Fast forward about a year and I started thinking more and more about embryo adoption and that it might be an amazing option for us.  As a Catholic, I believe that life begins with conception, so it was just breaking my heart to know there were hundreds of thousands of babies out there just waiting for homes! 

The bonus was I got to carry the baby myself!  What an amazing gift!  I found our adoption agency and to clinch the deal, it is a Christian agency.  I called them and the woman on the other end of the phone told me she would pray for me at the end of a great conversation.  How amazing!  MORE icing on the cake!

It was meant to be.  It just felt right.  We were in! Next came the home study (which was horrifying but another story) and then the waiting.  We had to write a bio about ourselves and include pictures – scary in its own right – once that was done, the agency, after a few months, matched us with a fantastic family.  They picked us!

And oh, what a match it was!  The note from the genetic family couldn’t have been more ‘right’ if I had told them what to say. In fact, they said things I didn’t even know I needed to hear!  It was a huge relief and blessing to know we’d been matched with such an amazing family.

So we all of the sudden were ‘parents’ and were ready to get going with a transfer – that process took a while and the rest as you know it is history!

We have one blessing and the other two will meet up with us someday – without all of them, we wouldn’t have been able to go down the path to parenthood!

Winkin' Blinkin' and Nod

 

We are blessed!

Happy Wednesday Ya’ll!

Peace Reigns....

Hey all - first of all, thank you so much for your kinds words, support and prayers.  We're hanging in here...my bleeding has stopped for now but I'm still having some cramping.  I spent the day relaxing (and praying) and trying to stay calm and peaceful. 

I didn't even get out of bed until it was time to get ready and go to acupuncture this evening.  Acupuncture always helps  - NO lie.  No matter how bad my day is, it always calms me and helps reset things.  Hope, the magician acupuncturist and future mommy herself, was able to calm more of my fears and talk me through a few things as well.  It helps when your acupuncturist specializes in fertility treatments and knows her way around the aches, pains and issues that come with a pregnancy.  Some days she more of a therapist than an acupuncturist, but I love her either way!  Go Team McGowan!

I'm holding my own for now and baby McG is hanging in so far as well.  On a lighter note, I feel like crap, so I guess that's good for now huh? :) I made B take me out for Mexican - because apparently our baby is going to be nicknamed Pedro, and that's the only food I want right now.  It tasted good and I scarfed it down like I hadn't eaten in a month.  Unfortunately about 10 minutes after I was done, the nausea moved back in.

I get it now though.  This will be the hardest three months of my life.  I had a great talk with a dear friend last night and she 'talked turkey' to me about this baby thing.  I learned a lot and I think I've got my big girl panties ready for the ride.  I can do this...I've been through hard things before, lots of them.  I just think I was so focused on the actual 'getting pregnant' thing, that the idea of 'what comes next' didn't really get enough focus.

SO as of today, I've had three great blood tests results and one scary episode.  My next ultrasound is on the 31st so I'll just suck it up and pray I make it to see a heartbeat.    God is good - I trust that this is meant to be.

I have peace in my heart no matter what and truly think I need to get my focus back on the positives and off of the scary parts.  So today I'm thankful for the the following:

1.  No bleeding - at all today.
2.  Great phone calls from my family (and pretty flowers too!  Thanks T&B!)
3.  I had great cuddle time with my Bubbies.
4.  Great call from my college roommate - she always cheers me up!
5.  Acupuncture and support from Team McGowan always picks me up too!

Lastly, I thank you for your notes and prayers....I truly believe this baby wouldn't be here if not for the power of prayer.   I hope each of you has had a great week and is looking forward to a relaxing and fun weekend.

Much Love and Happy Friday Ya'll!

Back on the Roller Coaster....

Well, you know they say the little voice knows...well I guess there was a reason why I wasn't diving in head first to mommy-hood....I had a minor emergency today.  I had some bleeding.  I know all of you who have had kids are going, ok, that's normal.  I guess it is, but when your morning sickness ends and you start bleeding, your heart goes immediately to panic.

I called my doctor's office and they had me come right in.  I was able to see the ultrasound and I have one little one growing - no twins.  I"m thrilled to have one - don't get me wrong.  It looks ok for now, but it's too early for a heartbeat.  So all I know is that the baby looks ok for now....but if I still have bleeding they want me in tomorrow for blood work. 

I'm back on the roller coaster folks.  I hate this damn roller coaster.  Seriously, I didn't expect this to be as hard as the infertility thing - but it is.  I would actually hazard a guess that this is even harder.  I was hysterical today.  I just couldn't stop the fear and must have prayed so hard that my subconscious drove my car to the doctor's office.

I can't say enough of how amazing the staff was at my doctor's office. If anyone ever needs a fertility clinic in the Charlotte area, I would so recommend REACH....they were so caring and worried about me.   They helped keep me sane until B could get there.  The doctor spent about 20 minutes with me and walked through what he saw and the positives as well as the things he couldn't predict.  He was very open and honest with me.

I appreciated the honesty, but boy I could have used a few lies today...let me tell you!  I get that my reality is right now to stay still and pray more than I've ever prayed.  I know that this is in God's hands and that if it's meant to be it will be.

For now I'm going to be thankful for the wonderful friends I have at work who calmed me as much as they could and then called my husband to get him on his way to the doctor.  I'm thankful for the doctor and nurses at REACH and I'm thankful that for now, my baby is doing exactly what it's supposed to do.  I'm also thankful that our electricity came back on an hour earlier than expected....that will have to do for now.

Keep those prayers coming if you can - we'd really appreciate it...

Have a happy Thursday Ya'll!

Claim It Ya'll!

Let me start with a HUGE thank you for all of your kind words, thoughts and prayers from my post yesterday!  We're thrilled and still nervous as we're really 'early' in the baby process.  It feels right though and I feel horrible most of the time - so I guess that's a good thing....

Ya'll remember that post I wrote about being 45, pregnant and unemployed?  Well, I've gotten the first two of those items down - now I'm really concerned about the third.  The sale of our company is coming any day now and boy the tension is thick.  

So I guess the struggle for me over the next few months will be how to walk the fine line between stress and calm and how to just 'Claim it.' 

The 'Claim It' concept is a new one to me.  As a "good Catholic girl," I was taught to pray but not to ask for things for myself - to pray for others.  So when I had a great conversation with a co-worker about our quest to have a family, she very simply said to me, "You'll get what you want.  You just have to claim it."   I completely scratched my head and said, "I'm sorry - I'm not sure what that means."  I truly had no clue what she was talking about.

Basically, she told me that if I owned what I wanted and claimed it as my own, that God would hear me and answer our prayers.  The concept was and is fascinating to me....later in the week, I was speaking with a friend (who is not Catholic) and mentioned it.  She very calmly said, "oh yes, you need to claim it," like it was something I should know how to do.

She helped me to understand things a bit more and off I went - to claim away. Interestingly enough - when doing some 'research' about this idea,  I found a Facebook page called:  "Step Out in Faith and Give Thanks, Claim it and it Will Be Yours."   I was really surprised and somewhat disappointed that I had been missing out on this concept. 

SO here I am.  I'm going to have a baby (yay!)- hopefully a happy and healthy one; my prayers were answered.  I claimed it - so now is it too much to ask for or should I say, claim a job too?  I wonder what the limits are on this method of prayer....is it like Aladdin?  Do I get three and then I'm done?  I'm not trying to be irreverent here, I just don't think I really understand the whole concept yet. 

For now, I'll keep praying for a healthy baby and that I have a job - I'll claim it as I know how and hope and pray that I'm doing it right!  If any of you can give me feedback or help me to understand this a bit more - I'd love to hear from you.

I've prayed a lot in my time and have had many wonderful people pray for me, I guess I just can't get past the Catholic guilt thing - I always figure God knows what's in my heart.  I guess I need to say it out loud to make it real - to prove I really want it.

Oy - the hormones are obviously making my mind race.  I think I'll get off and go to bed.  I hope you 'claim' what your heart desires and that God answers your prayers!

I'll leave you with one of my all time favorite (and guaranteed to make me cry songs)- I think it really helps to explain the path we've taken and why my brain has issues asking for good things...and it's a beautiful song too!

Blessings -  Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

Happy Wednesday Ya'll!



Today's the Day!

Well, I've been hinting at it for a while now, but today's the day.  Today I find out if our last shot at IVF is a positive or negative result.  I could either be pregnant, potentially with twins, or I could be hormonally charged and left with nothing.

Needless to say, it will be a really hard day.  I won't get instant results after the blood test.  And, no.   I haven't peed on a stick and won't.  I'll have to suck it up and wait for the phone call that will change my life - either for the 'good or the bad.'  (Insert Scottish accent there). 

I've so appreciated the amazing support I've received from all of the wonderful people in my life.  It's been a gift.  Truly.  I started this blog to help 'get out' some of the stuff going on in my head and it's helped a great deal...but you never know how you'll react until that moment happens.

Don't get me wrong, I've been through this day seven other times.  Yes, I said seven.  Not all were IVFs, but all were prayed on and hoped for and all didn't work.  This is the last time I think I'll put my body and heart through this ordeal, so obviously it will be the most traumatic.

I'm prepared to put on my big girl panties this morning, take my coffee to the clinic and have my blood drawn.  Then I'll head to work for my 5 meetings that stretch out throughout the day.  I'd love to know early in the day because sometimes the suspense is more horrible than the call....but honestly, if it's a negative and the rabbit doesn't die (not literally of course) then I'd almost rather not know until late in the day. 

You can tell I've over thought this can't you?  I'm actually in a really good place mentally and spiritually for this.  I'm ready to accept whatever decision God has made and am at peace with what happens.  I know that I've done everything I could have done with an amazing husband at my side, supporting me every step of the way.

SO, I'll let you all know...thank you for your prayers and your support - I couldn't have gotten through the last few weeks without it.  And no matter what happens, I'll have a smile on my face because I know God has a great plan for us....we'll just have to figure out what it is....

I ready for this next phase in our lives....bring it on!!

Happy Monday Ya'll!

I Want to Be Tall and Blond

Negotiation with God is simply silly you know.  (Sorry, just talking to myself here for a minute.)  I'm a very matter-of-fact person - I'm not always black and white about things, in fact, I love me some grey areas.  But I think that religion either 'is or isn't' for you. 

Obviously you've probably figured out, religion is for me.  In fact, it's been the one constant in my life - well, that plus my love of shoes.  Seriously, I think I've gravitated towards religion, Catholicism in particular, for most of my life because I love the continuity and tradition of it.

I've loved that no matter where I live, church is always the same.  I love being a part of something bigger than me that has meaning and affects my heart in such a good way.  I love to sing at church - in fact some weeks at mass, singing can even bring me to tears!  (Maybe that's the hormones singing!)

I've never been what you might call a 'bible-whacker' but I have a deep faith that is a big part of who I am.  Most people don't know that about me.  But, I'm constantly talking with God - I've joked before that He's probably tired of hearing my voice - that's because I'm constantly chattering to Him.  I'm so thankful for the little things, I just want to let Him know.  Ok, I know you're thinking that saying it is overkill - He can hear my thoughts.  I get you.  I just feel better saying it. 

So I guess when it comes down to it, I have so much to feel thankful for, I feel a bit guilty.  Hey, I'm Catholic.  It's inherent.  So I'm constantly reaffirming how much I appreciate the gifts I've been given.  I'm here.  I've found my husband after so many years of wondering if I'd ever find the right person and I've got such great friends and family - I'm truly blessed.

Yes there are things I'd love to wrap up and call done - you know, I'd love to be tall and blond, I'd love to  have a normal shoe size, things like that - you thought I was going to mention babies didn't you?  Gotcha!  See, that's one I don't have to say out loud - my heart does that for me.

I hope that you have so many things to be thankful for that you almost feel guilty too - and I mean that in the best Catholic way possible.  Guilt is just part of our lives.  If you're having a good day, you feel bad that someone else didn't. If you have a bad day, you wonder what you did wrong to deserve it. It's a vicious circle my friends.

All kidding aside, I don't quote scripture and I don't memorize bible stories, but I do know that God made us in His likeness and while we're here on Earth, we need to make it count.  So, I'll  leave you with this, a favorite Irish Prayer:

May God give you...
For every storm, a rainbow,
For every tear, a smile,
For every care, a promise,
And a blessing in each trial.
For every problem life sends,
A faithful friend to share,
For every sigh, a sweet song,
And an answer for each prayer.

Happy Saturday Ya'll!



I Have Hope in My Heart

Have you ever been to a fertility clinic?  I hope not.  I have and they aren't fun.  Fertility clinics are places where women of all ages, race, size and religion flock to in order to conceive a child.  Infertility is a taboo subject in our American culture for some reason.  I'll never understand that.  I've been very open about our quest to have a child and have never hidden the truth. 

Obviously, we don't have kids, so either people assume we don't want any or I tell them the truth.  It's so much easier to put the truth out there - people have active imaginations and often their guesses are so hurtful.  So, why not be honest?  I had so many surgeries in the last 10 years of my life that I just never was able to try to have kids.  Now, I'm 45 years old and healthy(finally) - and still no kids. Basically, I'm old.   B & I didn't get married until I was 35 - so I started out late in the game and my body (and God) had other plans.

Even though I've had roadblocks, I'm not one of those people who will just sit back and say, oh well, guess we can't have children.  I've fought hard with every iota of my being for us to be able to have a child.  I've changed my diet to the point where I don't recognize my eating habits.  I haven't had caffeine in 3 years and soda is but a distant memory.

I've made any sacrifice asked of me because it's just that important.  I've missed vacations, family events and cried my way through conference calls just to get through the day at work.  But it's all worth it you see.  I really want this.

Over the years, I've had to be my own health care advocate.  I've learned to ask, push and question.  Once I've built up trust with a physician, I absolutely follow their advice, but I still question when things don't quite seem right for me.  ME.  I've learned that science is a guideline and no two humans are alike (except for identical twins :o) of course.)  Many treatments that have worked well for other people don't work for me!  In fact, typical protocols for fertility treatments just don't work.  I have an amazing doctor who listens though and experiments with me and we've gotten great results.  Her nursing team's skill and compassion is un-matched and their support has helped me down this really complicated path we're on.

The one dangling participle, or missing link to this ever important fertility chain is God.  I know that no matter HOW HARD I try and how well I follow my diet and how diligent I am with taking my meds, I still might not get pregnant.  That breaks my heart to type, let alone say out loud.  I've faced that fact and have come to terms with it.  Sort of.  I still have hope in my heart.

I'm typing this now because we're at our last attempt.  We've tried everything there is and even things you've never heard of and so far no kids.  I've prayed so hard that I cry just thinking about it.  I've found saints to pray to that I never knew existed and I've had to have faith that if it's in God's plan for me, it will be so. If not, I'll have to let it go and move on with my life.  I know some of you are asking - why not adopt?  Well we did.  A traditional adoption would be very complicated for me with my health history and we were advised against it.  So we did a very different kind of adoption - and that's what we're waiting on now. 

Time will tell.  God has always provided for me - I'm only here because of His grace - I get this.  I just wish someone could call Him and explain that we'll be great parents - if He only gives us a chance.

Until we know more - prayers would be great.  And please, remember that if someone doesn't have kids, it might not be because they didn't want them.  God just had other plans for them.  But don't treat them like they have a disease - they still love kids and would love to be happy for you and celebrate your pregnancies and joys.  Your heart hurts inside, but if you want kids, you love them and any kids are a joy to be around. 

So tonight, after you pray for all of the couples struggling with infertility, hug your kids and realize how truly blessed you are - even if they drew all over the walls in permanent marker or dumped a 5 lb bag of flour on the floor...they are a gift.

Happy Friday Ya'll!