What a Butt-Clenching Sort of Day

Well Wednesday would not be a day I'd like to repeat.  It was a pretty non-descript day over all until this afternoon.  But boy, when 3:30PM hit, all bets were off.  Work has just exploded.  Let's just leave it at that for now - and suffice it to say I'm so disappointed in people in general that I need to do something to remind myself that, people are good and caring and that the world is a good place to be.

Right now, I feel old, jaded and disjointed.  I feel disrespected and naive.  I wish I could share with you what happened, but I can't.  I can say it wasn't to me personally, it was to our whole company.  We're all at a loss for words I think.

So here I am, still waiting to find out if I have a job and really not sure if I want it.  I mean, I need it, but I don't know who to trust anymore and it scares me that my hopes are hinged on that.   I hope that this is just a rough patch and that things will look up.  I hope that the people left in our legacy company will lead well and be people we can trust.  I have hope.

It's tough enough to go into work when you're in limbo, but add in knowing this bad news and being worried about your future and bam - makes for a great rest of the week doesn't it? :)

I love the people I work with as I mentioned previously and it breaks my heart to see any of them hurt...so that made today even more difficult.  I think the next few weeks will be harder than anything I've ever been through.

I time everything well don't I?  We had a reception tonight for the final night of our company - and it was in a location that wasn't air conditioned.  I learned that I need air conditioning.   I left feeling unwell and got home and collapsed.  I swelled up like a little balloon and felt like I'd been through a marathon.

Luckily I had nothing to do, so I crashed for a bit and have rallied for now....lesson learned.  Pedro hates the heat.  I have been able to eat much more than before thankfully - so my energy is better.

So here I am, pregnant - still haven't heard the heartbeat and still not sure if I have a job....woohoo!  I sure know how to time things don't I?  I never did do things like everyone else, but I think all of this is testing things - it's a bit much isn't it?  

For now, I have no option other than to wait.  I'm practicing my 'Darth Vader' breathing and trying to calm my mind and focus only on today.  Easier said than done - but I can do this - I'll be in good company as all of my co-workers are in limbo in some shape or form as well.

Pray for all of us - it's a difficult thing to go through at any time, but add in the current state of our economy and job market and it's downright butt clenching scary.

SO the goal for tomorrow is to keep my butt cheeks relaxed and focus on breathing - and eating and drinking.  I have control over these things - life is good.  Oh and Pedro is now the size of a blueberry!   Yay!

Happy Thursday Ya'll.

Winkin, Blinkin & Nod

I want to introduce to 3 key players in our lives, Winkin, Blinkin and Nod.  I'm not sure if all of you know the poem – but I loved it as a kid - so here it is:

Winkin', Blinkin', and Nod, one night sailed off in a wooden shoe;
Sailed off on a river of crystal light into a sea of dew.
"Where are you going and what do you wish?" the old moon asked the three.
"We've come to fish for the herring fish that live in this beautiful sea.
Nets of silver and gold have we," said Winkin', Blinkin', and Nod.

The old moon laughed and sang a song as they rocked in the wooden shoe.
And the wind that sped them all night long ruffled the waves of dew.
Now the little stars are the herring fish that live in that beautiful sea;
"Cast your nets wherever you wish never afraid are we!"
So cried the stars to the fishermen three - Winkin', and Blinkin', and Nod.

So all night long their nets they threw to the stars in the twinkling foam.
'Til down from the skies came the wooden shoe bringing the fisherman home.
'Twas all so pretty a sail it seemed as if it could not be.
Some folks say 'twas a dream they dreamed of sailing that misty sea.
But I shall name you the fisherman three - Winkin', Blinkin', and Nod.

Now Winkin' and Blinkin' are two little eyes and Nod is a little head.
And the wooden shoe that sailed the skies is a wee one's trundle bed.
So close your eyes while mother sings of the wonderful sights that be.
And you shall see those beautiful things as you sail on the misty sea,
Where the old shoe rocked the fishermen three - Winkin', Blinkin', and Nod.

Now the reason I shared this poem with you is because this is what B dubbed the 3 embryos that we transferred on 6/27/12, Winkin', Blinkin' and Nod.  It meant a lot to me and I think surprised him because he didn’t even know the story.  It just came out of his mouth!   J  Our doctor and nurses call them that as well – it made if feel so real and kept me going.

So maybe it’s time for a bit of background on W,B & N…  so, here goes....after all of our trials and tribulations with infertility, we were given an amazing gift.  We adopted embryos.  Yes, we adopted embryos.  Really.  We opted to ‘rescue’ embryos that were already waiting for a family rather than continuously pulling a ‘Celine Dion’ and going through IVF over and over and over again with my eggs as they are just old…sad, but true.  It just felt selfish and hopeless after a while.  The clock kept ticking.

We had a path to take, so we did.  I had to feel closure and know that we had done everything we could do to try to have our own children.  So when we were having what I thought might be our last visit with our fertility doctor, she gave us some pamphlets to read about embryo adoption.  It sounded interesting – especially to me, the Queen of all Medical procedures. 

We thanked her and left.  Fast forward about a year and I started thinking more and more about embryo adoption and that it might be an amazing option for us.  As a Catholic, I believe that life begins with conception, so it was just breaking my heart to know there were hundreds of thousands of babies out there just waiting for homes! 

The bonus was I got to carry the baby myself!  What an amazing gift!  I found our adoption agency and to clinch the deal, it is a Christian agency.  I called them and the woman on the other end of the phone told me she would pray for me at the end of a great conversation.  How amazing!  MORE icing on the cake!

It was meant to be.  It just felt right.  We were in! Next came the home study (which was horrifying but another story) and then the waiting.  We had to write a bio about ourselves and include pictures – scary in its own right – once that was done, the agency, after a few months, matched us with a fantastic family.  They picked us!

And oh, what a match it was!  The note from the genetic family couldn’t have been more ‘right’ if I had told them what to say. In fact, they said things I didn’t even know I needed to hear!  It was a huge relief and blessing to know we’d been matched with such an amazing family.

So we all of the sudden were ‘parents’ and were ready to get going with a transfer – that process took a while and the rest as you know it is history!

We have one blessing and the other two will meet up with us someday – without all of them, we wouldn’t have been able to go down the path to parenthood!

Winkin' Blinkin' and Nod

 

We are blessed!

Happy Wednesday Ya’ll!

Monday Was Just a Write-Off

What to do when you have nothing (or not much) to do?  That’s my current dilemma.  I’m in limbo as I expected and really wish I had a huge project to work on, but right now, that’s not the case.  So as I sit in my new office location – at my new wobbly desk – with my new phone that no one can figure out, I try to find things to do.

Obviously, we’ve moved into our new office location.  We’re in the other building and boy oh boy is it warm and humid.  I actually brought a fan in with me to help with the stifling heat that almost took me out yesterday.  No lie.  It is just sickening in here.

Yesterday was a really rough day for me.  I woke up sicker than I’ve been at all – so miserable I didn’t make it into work until about 9:30AM….it took me three hours to feel like I could actually take a shower and get ready – driving was a joy.

Here are some fun highlights of my day Monday:

1.       Woke up gagging.

2.       Got to work about 2 hours after my co-workers to move into our new cubicles.

3.       Found out my desk shakes when I type – so my monitor gives me the motion sickness gags.

4.       I walked with some friends over to our old building to have lunch in the 95 degree weather.   As soon as I entered the old building, my heel broke off of my favorite shoes.  They’re toast.

5.       I heated my lunch, sat down to eat and gagged.  Closed lunch and sat for a minute with the group and then had to leave because the smells of their lunches was too much.

6.       I walked back to the new building solo.  Water was more than I could handle yesterday.

7.       I limped the rest of the day.

8.       I had a cup of Corn Chex and popcorn to eat all day - that’s it.

9.       I spilled my ice coffee from Starbucks all over the back of my car when I went to leave work.

10.   Went to the chiropractor (yay Dr. Matt) – that was a highlight – but my back and neck were so bad I had to lie on ice for about 30 minutes.  Ouch.

Don’t get me wrong, there were some highlights to yesterday – the chiropractor helped me immensely.  I feel better – slept well last night and had yoga with my friend K.  She calmed me down the rest of the way after a really crappy day.  Yay YogaMe!!

Today, I’m equipped with my fan, my psi wristbands, a calmer stomach and a hope that this will turn out to be a great week!

Happy Tuesday Ya’ll!