No Expectations, No Disappointments...

The purpose of this blog was to document life as we live it - so here you go.  Some days it ain't all that fun...

So I got some great news today.  And really, I should be thrilled right now, but instead, I'm nervous.  I'm afraid to be happy because my luck isn't all that.  Isn't that silly?   And no, I'm not pregnant.   I just got some great test results that I've been praying on for over six months now.   I've been waiting for this time to be past and put it behind me.  But for some reason now instead of feeling relieved, I'm just afraid.

Ever want something so badly that you just try to put it out of your head and forget about it?  I was never very good at that when I was younger.  If there was a competition at putting things out of your mind, I'd win it now.  I'm really good at focusing on the things I can control and leaving the rest up to God.  It's not a natural skill for me, but something I've learned over the last 10 years.  I've really got it down to a science now - except for today.

Over the years and after many moves around the country, my friends have spread out around the US and 'hanging out' has gotten harder to do.  Our lives have changed, they've had kids and our paths have gone in different directions.  I'm not boo-hooing here - it's just part of life.  Growing up and living our lives differently is part of the deal.

But, when you talk on the phone, you don't want to be "Nellie Negative" so you just don't talk about things that are chewing on you.  You learn to just 'deal' and put on your big girl panties.  Most of the time I'm ok with that and just handle things.  There are times though, that I want to scream, yell and just be pissed.  For some reason, most women just don't talk about fertility issues until they have a baby.  Then they might share a bit, but while you're in the middle of it, it can be pretty lonely.

I've taken a path that I didn't choose.  I think overall I've found my way and I'm now at my next crossroads.  For so long, I've fought for one thing and that was to be healthy.  When I won that battle (yay!), another immediately blew-up right in front of me - the big infertility battle (BIB!) of 2010.  Ha!  Pun intended!

I usually take life on the chin and handle everything that comes my way.  This is different.   Oh I can be tough, but this is scary stuff folks.  No matter how hard you work or how many rules you follow - it doesn't mean it's going to work.  I think that's the hard part. 

So for now I'll live with it and suck it up.  But don't kid yourselves, I'm praying like a mad woman and hoping for the best.  We had a saying in college, ' No expectations, no disappointments."  At the time we were probably worried about someone calling us - I never thought that expression would fit my life so well at 45.  Who knew?

45, Pregnant & Unemployed ♪♪♫♫

Waiting is defined by the Free Dictionary as " 1. The act of remaining inactive or stationary."  I don't know about ya'll but I absolutely hate to wait.   I was the kid who unwrapped the Christmas gifts her parents had hidden and then 'wrapped' them back up again because I HAD to know what I was getting and couldn't wait.  Ask B, I'm the worst at waiting to find out the answer to something that will impact my life; in fact, I even hate leaving messages for people because when I call, I want to talk to them at that moment, not later! 

I sat at my desk last week on a day when no one else was in the office and got a phone call with some great news!  Awesome!  I couldn't wait to share it!  Well, B was at work and couldn't take my call, my Mom was out of town and wasn't answering her phone and no on was on IM, so I had to sit still and wait to tell someone my news!  It about killed me.  No exaggeration either.  I was beside myself.

I am a doer.  That's who I am and what makes me tick.  Unfortunately, for the past 5 years, I've been forced into the role of a 'wait-er.'  Hate it.  I had health issues that after a while I knew they could fix, but I had to wait to go through their protocol to ensure I met the guidelines for the experimental treatment.  After they fixed me (see, I was right!), we dove right into trying to have a family.  Sure thing.  No waiting there.  (heavy sarcasm)

For the last 4+ years, we've been going down the unmarked path of infertility.  Nothing wrong with me at all; I'm just old.  If you've had infertility treatments, you know the whole thing is based on waiting.  And then waiting some more.  Testing, checking, verifying, mock cycling and so on....more waiting.   So yes, we're still waiting on babies.  I figure this is all part of God's plan to teach me patience and I'm just a slow learner.  Adding insult to injury, I also don't know if I'll have a job soon.  Very soon.  More waiting (and praying.)  Pretty soon I could be a really big cliche, 45, pregnant and unemployed.  What a great title for a new country song!!!   ♪♫♪♫♪♫

I think we're in very good company though.  Most friends and associates that I've spoken with in the past few months seem to be in a holding pattern in some shape or size.  Of course my co-workers are in the 'wait and see' mode like me about work - I have friends that are pregnant and are waiting for their babies to arrive, friends who are job hunting, friends who are house hunting, friends who are dealing with health issues,  friends who are soul searching, and the list goes on.

I've come to the conclusion that our generation - the 40 somethings - was told by our parents to get a job and have a career, get married and have a family and basically just be loyal citizens who contribute to the gross national product.  If we didn't fit that mold or did things differently, that was ok, but the end result should still be the same.  SO, a lot of us took jobs just to have one - not because it was our calling.  We dated, some got married and had kids, and some are still looking for the 'right' person.    We made decisions based on what was expected of us and not what we wanted. 

Now, we're doing what we want.  We're switching careers, getting new homes, downsizing, up sizing and trying to have kids later in life.  We want to eat our cake.....and we don't want to wait!  We want to catch up with our peers that had a different life plan - forgetting that they didn't get there overnight either.

So, I guess I'll just have to sit tight, pray a lot, be myself, follow my heart and be patient.  I will keep waiting though, because as the saying goes, good things come to those who wait.  That doesn't mean I'll stop doing either - I'll do what I have to do to move things along (being my real self) and maybe then I'll have peace, regardless of the outcome.